Empty House – NOV 16, 2012 vs. Golden State Warriors L 106-98

Posted: 11/17/2012 in Uncategorized

This isn’t our fault.

You can’t blame a team for losing when we’re injured and running at 20%.

“So were the Golden State Warriors” you say.  “They were without Andrew Bogut and Brandon Rush.”

Not the same thing!  Brandon Rush is just one role player and Andrew Bogut hasn’t played a game since 1948.  Players wore Converse the last time he was on a court. When he finally comes back they’re going to have to remind him how to play basketball.  He’ll be like Gandalf from Lord Of The Rings returning after a thousand years.

“Yes… That’s what they used to call me. Andrew Bogut. That was my name. I am Bogut the White.”

The Timberwolves aren’t just injured, they are crippled.  The whole team is gone. They are depleted, sapped and wiped clean.  The cosmos drank our milkshake and we don’t get another one until January.

To illustrate: Let’s pretend that the 2012-2013 Minnesota Timberwolves are a season of Full House.  (I will not make a white joke here, I will not make a white joke here.)

Kevin Love is Bob Saget/Danny Tanner –  The main dog. Seems like a nice guy on the surface but underneath is dirty as shit.
Ricky Rubio is John Stamos/Jesse Katsopolis – Flashy. Unconventional. Cool hair.
Nikola Pekovic is a humongous Dave Coulier/Joey Gladstone – Trust-worthy and solid. Does not tell jokes well.

Those are the three main characters.  Now get rid of those characters and still have a show.  How’s that feel?  Not very good, huh?  But maybe you still try and plug along with the supporting cast:

Chase Budinger is DJ Tanner – Pretty and brittle. Like a unique snowflake.
Luke Ridnour is Stephanie Tanner – Nobody’s favorite.
JJ Barea is the Olsen Twins – Tiny and seem like two different people at times.

Now get rid of two out of three of those characters.  Still want a show?  Okay, we can still do this.

Brandon Roy is Pam Tanner – The wife that died a long time ago.
Derrick Williams is Kimmy Gibbler – #%$@ING ANNOYING.
Andrei Kirilenko & Alexi Shved are the new twins that were added later on when things weren’t cute anymore.
Josh Howard is DJ’s boyfriend Steve who showed up out of nowhere and you’re still trying to decide if you like him or if he’s too old.
Dante Cunningham is Jesse’s wife Rebecca – He’s cool.
Greg Stiemsma and Malcolm Lee are the extras who walk by a scene sometimes.
And Lou Amundson is Boner.  I know Boner was from “Growing Pains” but I don’t give a shit.  He’s Boner.

So if the T-Wolves were Full House, that means right now the show would star: Kimmy Gibbler, Stephanie Tanner, two baby twins, the boyfriend and Jesse’s wife.  That’s not Full House that’s Empty Nest.  But without the doctor, the wacky neighbor and the Golden Girls cameos.

But we’re still on the air.

And pretty soon we’ll get Dave Coulier back.  Then the Olsen Twins.  Then the dead wife might haul her zombie knees out of the ground.  Then Bob-freaking-Saget comes back and we have a show again.  But it’s not over yet because right after that fancy-pants Jesse comes back.  And just in time for the season finale comes DJ Tanner.

Suddenly, it’s TGIF again.

In the meantime, here’s the good news:  We have five days off before we play again, at home against the Denver Nuggets.    Five days is summer vacation for us. Five days is a rehab clinic.  Five days is manna from heaven.

Denver is a good team.  They’re well-coached and they have a nice, unselfish squad in addition to their new star Andre Iguodala.

But I feel like we can pull this one off.  Because we have banded together as a team and a fan-base.  Because “United We Run.” Because…

What ever happened to predictability?
The milk man, the paper boy, evening T.V
You miss your old familar friends, but
waiting just around the bend.

Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There’s a heart (there’s a heart)
A hand to hold on to.
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There’s a face of somebody who needs you.

When you’re lost out there and your all alone
A light is waiting to carry you home
Everywhere you look.

  1. Jenni says:

    I am still reeling from your depth and knowledge of Full House. Also, I am shocked at the accuracy of the descriptions… gosh you’re insightful!!

    They’re still promoting the playoffs atmosphere at Target Center. I still feel like we are keeping it outstandingly close when we lose, despite the lack of key players. Timberwolves fans are used to defeat and near-wins. We tried every way possible to lose the game against the Bobcats (or win the game, if you’re the optimistic type) yet when we lost we chalked it up to “we’re injured”. We all know that. And it was close. And we accepted it. We need our guys who pump us up though. Shved doesn’t change expression throughout the entire game. Kirilenko is basically a bad-ass facial statue. Dante looks surprised, like all the time. It’s not playoff-y in there. It’s not excited in there. I want Ricky waving his towel with a huge smile on his face. I want K Love beating his chest or flexing his muscles. I want Pek getting pissed off in his tough-Montenegrin way. Until we get those things back, losses are losses and we all kind of expect them right now.

    Reading this entry retrospectively was fun despite knowing the outcome of the Denver game 🙂

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