Very few things in the NBA surprise me anymore. I knew DeMarcus Cousins would be a prick to everybody on Earth. I suspected that a rookie who’s afraid to get on airplanes wouldn’t play any games. And I psychically predicted that Andrew Bynum would grow a Don King/Phil Spector hair-hybrid and get hurt while bowling.
But holy crap, Kevin Love is back already! I didn’t see that coming at all. He was supposed to be back in December. Screw Thanksgiving, Christmas came early!
Now, the official story is that Love broke his hand doing “knuckle push-ups” several weeks ago, but I’ve heard numerous people insinuate that it was really from something else. Nobody ever really clarified what “something else” was. Punching a wall? Sitting on his own hand? Power Glove accident? All I know is that Kevin Love supposedly can do two types of push-ups, normal and knuckly and I can’t even do the one (unless you count the bend-your-knees-wussy kind.)
Does it really matter how he got hurt? Are you kidding me? What matters is Santa Claus is in the house and he’s wearing #42.
I was on the road in North Dakota to perform stand-up comedy the night of the game, but I had enough time to catch the first half. They had the game on there, because North Dakota lacks a team of any kind and just adopts all Minnesota culture as their own. They stole our accent. I’m not even sure that they have their own HIGH SCHOOL teams. Bismarck just counts North Minneapolis’ record as their own.
So I watched the first half in my hotel room before the show and screamed things that probably aren’t too out of the ordinary at a Days Inn like “Put a body on him!” and “Throw it down!” Love was incredible with 22 points and eight rebounds in the first half alone while carrying us to a 17 point lead. Surely that meant we were on pace for a 40 point win over a strong team. As I went down to the club to do my show, I debated which team I wanted us to play in the playoffs. I wondered what street the city of Minneapolis would have the NBA championship parade on. We were going to win not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven….
And then we lost the game by seven. Doh! Classic Timberwolves.
Lesson learned: Don’t get ahead of ourselves. Yes, Kevin Love is back. He finished with 34 points and 14 rebounds even with the lousy second half and the Michael Jackson glove. That kind of productivity while being limited physically is insane. In comparison, I almost didn’t write this blog today because I didn’t get my nappy-wap. If I had a broken hand I wouldn’t even leave the house.
Tonight we play the Portland Trailblazers on the road. I predict nothing. I am not going to jinx anything. There is a slight possibility that basketballs will be dribbled. Somewhere out there in the world DeMarcus Cousins will be a prick. But that’s all I’ve got. Christmas does not come early.
At least not without Rudolph.