Thank God for Sacramento!
There’s a sentence nobody’s ever said before. It ranks on the unused list right between “Why are you touching me, Kate Upton?” and “I volunteer for experimental vasectomy surgery.”
Two out of our six wins were against Sacramento. The importance of that can’t be overstated in a year that we’ve lost to both Charlotte and Toronto. Gah. Really? The Bobcats and the Raptors? The Bobcats’ best players are Kemba Walker and a sandwich and I’m pretty sure every Raptors’ home game happened because the crowd wandered in on accident. I cannot accept getting beaten by a team that named themselves after Jurassic Park.
It’s not like the Kings don’t have talent. I fear the day that DeMarcus Cousins gets his head straightened out. That guy is one of the most gifted basketball players to come into the league in years. But he’s got some serious anger issues, especially for a third-year player who’s supposed to be paying his dues. He’s been kicked out of practice for refusing to listen to the coach, removed from an airplane because of an altercation with a teammate and suspended two games for confronting Spurs’ announcer Sean Elliot after a game because he mentioned on-air that Cousins needs to learn a bit of humility. Way to prove him wrong there, Gandhi.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a dick too. But I don’t make 4 million dollars a year. Drink some chamomile or something, buddy. Put on some freak-sized yoga pants and get in touch with your inner sweetheart. It’s not like someone ate your lasagna in the break-room at Walgreens. You’re a famous, physically dominate millionaire. Calm the crap down and don’t screw things up. Then, when you’re done with the NBA and made your money, you can go asshole it up all over the world! Go punch every Australian you meet. Piss on the Eiffel Tower because it doesn’t understand you. Tell a dolphin you don’t love it. Whatever!
Take our own Luke Ridnour:
Dude’s one bag of meth from being an extra on Breaking Bad. I guarantee he’s had a street name like “Booby” before. But he keeps his mouth shut. Last night he had 18 points and five assists. He knows he’s not Chris Paul, so he works his ass off just to stay around. He’s not making trade demands. He just keeps on working on his middle school mustache and making shots when we need him to.
So even though the Kings have as much, if not more, physical talent than the Timberwolves, we still beat them through our patented combination of hard work and luck. And nobody embodied that combination more last night than Kevin Love. He had 23 points and 24 rebounds, 21 of which were defensive rebounds. 21! That’s not just hard work, that’s John Henry.
And as far as the luck part goes. Well, we’ve had more injuries than a Dance Dance Revolution party at a Crisco factory. So if this is the shot that has to be the game-sealer for us, we’ll take it: