1) Make Kevin Garnett forget he ever played for the Timberwolves
There’s got to be a way that we can wipe Garnett’s memory clean so he doesn’t destroy us every time he gets into the same gym as us. I’m not suggesting we erase OUR memories of him. Those Garnett years are special, special times for Timberwolves fans. But if we can just Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind him somehow, or even lightly hit him with a shovel that’d be great.
2) Stop bitching after every call that doesn’t go your way
Kevin Love, I’m looking at you. You’re not Tim Duncan yet, buddy.
These are the moments that remind me that he’s the nephew of evil Beach Boy Mike Love. Yeah, he’s the best power forward in the league. He works his ass off and he’s got an amazing career ahead of him. But shut the fuck up out there, you whiny little teapot. He does get hacked a lot, but quit throwing your arms wide open like the singer of Creed and get back on defense.
3) MAKE YOUR FREE THROWS!
The Timberwolves shot 14-30 from the free throw line. 46.7%!
It’s inexcusable. These guys get paid millions of dollars a year to play and they can’t even make more than half? A drunken Shaquille O’Neal with his Kazaam pants pulled over his head could have done better. Even I could have. I have proof. I kept the yearly stat sheet from the 1993-94 Mason City, IA, sophomore B-team and I shot 74.5%. Boom! (I also had short-pants that would’ve made John Stockton cringe.)
4) MAKE YOUR DAMN FREE THROWS!
5) THAT’S IT! NO FACIAL HAIR UNTIL YOU START MAKING YOUR SON-OF-A-BITCHING FREE THROWS! (KIRILENKO, YOU HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR HOCKEY HAIR!)