Okay, Minnesota. Let’s just prepare ourselves for the inevitable:
Kevin Love is not going to be here past 2015.
He just signed a new contract with the Timberwolves and already he’s spouting off about the Timberwolves’ future.
This is why I love music. “Abbey Road” never lets me down. “Born To Run” never bitches about the records it’s surrounded by. “London Calling” never insulted the temperature of my apartment and left for a warmer building.
You know what? Fuck you, Los Angeles. And fuck you, Miami. Fuck you, Chicago and every single borough of New York. Fuck the four towns that every basketball player wants to play in because it’s either warm or fancy. What a bunch of pussies! Oh, did your little toezy-woezies get cold? Yeah, Minnesota is freezing. So what? You think Chicago’s wearing shorts in January? New York’s snow is full of heroin. How about standard of living? Friendliness? Murder rates? Oh so bands play in LA? You think you have the monopoly on the Foo Fighters, jackass? And like Prince says (yeah, Prince…he still lives here!) the cold weather keeps the bad guys out. So stick a giant purple androgynous guitar up your ass, big cities.
Oklahoma City, you don’t realize how lucky you are to have a class act like Kevin Durant. You hold onto him and hold on tight and never let him go. When he walks on the beach and is sad and asks why there’s only one set of footprints you tell him it’s because you carried him!
Okay. Okay, I’m breathing deeply. In, out, in, out.
Love’s comments about his future with Minnesota aren’t the end of the world . We could make the playoffs this year and then be a 50 win team next year and then make the Western Conference Finals the next and maybe he’ll stay. Damnit, why does this make me feel like an NBA wife who’s getting cheated on but won’t admit it? “He loves me, he just gets frisky sometimes! I know I’m his favorite.” Meanwhile, he’s making googly eyes at LA and trying to diddle Miami Beach.
But boy, all of this sure did make for an awkward game against the Denver Nuggets last night. Especially since Love shot 3-17. OOPS! Not exactly the best way to prove you deserved more than 60 million, is it?
Minnesota loves you, Kevin Love. We are willing to forgive this. You already have a better team around you than KG did for most of his career. Things are looking up. Stop focusing on the negative, like our horrible owner and GM, the weather and the fact that our walls are harder than knuckles. Okay? Focus on the positive. Minneapolis has one of the best art/theater/music/comedy scenes in the country. We are the second highest rated bike-friendly city in the country (and that’s after being covered in snow half the year, too!) Rachel Leigh Cook is from here and she used to be hot shit. We are also very welcoming and forgiving of pampered rich kids from UCLA who punch walls and show up fat to training camp and complain after every call and suddenly can’t buy a free throw and are having a sub-par 2012-2013 season so far.
So you might like it here more than you think.
I yell because I love.
Don’t leave us, Kevin. Los Angeles has herpes.