Dear LeBron James,
For a really famous guy, PR just isn’t your thing.
Everybody knows you’re already one of the greatest basketball players ever. We also know you’re kind of a bumbling dickhead too.
But last year you won an NBA championship. You validated yourself. Good job! That must have felt nice. You could go to sleep on your giant bed made of money and basketballs and paper mache replicas of yourself (that can’t be comfortable) and know that you’re better than everybody else.
But dude, it’s time to shave your head.
Seriously LeBron, how many “yes men” have you surrounded yourself with? Has nobody told you? That giant headband is fooling nobody. It just keeps getting bigger and bigger every year. Your hairline looks like it’s an ice cap drifting farther way from the Arctic every day. Polar bears and Santa’s elves are dying, LeBron. Put an end to their misery!
The thing that I don’t even understand is why you haven’t done it already? Black men have been blessed with the ability to look super cool with a shaved head. It’s a gift. Take it! I’m bald too, but I’m a gangly white dude. Until about five years ago, white guys couldn’t even shave their heads for fear of looking too American History X. To this day, I can’t have more than two hairless white friends at a time. If any more go bald, they’re either going to have to go straight-up math teacher/Bozo the Clown or find a new entourage.
You’re almost 28. It sucks, but that’s just when it happens. And I figure you have a few more options then normal people, considering you’re shut-in, pee-in-a-jar level rich. So allow me to suggest a few:
1) Go the John Travolta route and paint your hairline on. PRO – Will fool a few dumb people. CON – Paint will drip down your face like Tammy Fae Baker after a marathon.
2) Get hair-plugs. PRO – Will fool a few dumb people. CON – Can cause hiccups. For real. It’s hard to make free-throws while breathing into a paper bag.
3) Pay yes men to tell you how great your hair looks. PRO – You’re familiar with this approach. CON – Will have to constantly replace said yes men due to blindness caused by your forehead glare.
4) Wear a Rick James wig. PRO – You’ve apparently already done this as well. CON – Nothing.
5) Make the bald/afro look popular. PRO – Millions of people will look like they have a nerf ball with a hole burnt through it on their head. CON – People would call you LeBonbon.
6) Shave your head, dummy!
P.S. It’s not just you – An Open Letter To Keith Morris: Please Shave Your Head.