Gee, it sure would have been nice to have had our superstar player last night.
I hate Kobe Bryant, but you can’t stop that man from playing. You could cut his head off and dangle it from the Hollywood sign and he’d still find a way to Headless Horseman to the game and have 33 points. When Kobe retires eventually, somebody’s going to tap his knee with a tiny hammer and he’s going to crumble into a pile of dust from the collective strain of ignoring injuries for 20 years.
Kevin Love is the opposite of Kobe Bryant. I can’t count how many big games he’s missed over the years due to hands, thumbs, knees, voodoo curses, Breaking Bad season finales and “flu-like symptoms.” God help him when he gets a real flu. He’ll miss a minimum of five years.
This time, he had an eye injury. Sure! Why not? Didn’t he watch The Three Stooges ever? Everybody knows you put your hand up straight on your nose and block that shit.
I think us fans are just tired of his surprise injuries. So, to combat this, I consulted the tea leaves (I went to Starbucks) and made some predictions about what injuries Kevin Love will sustain the rest of the year:
JAN 17 – Flesh-eating virus
JAN 23 – Arm stuck in candy machine
FEB 1 – Amnesia
FEB 23 – Server at T.G.I. Friday’s made him feel bad
MARCH 1 – Rickets
MARCH 24 – Shark bite
MARCH 31 – Beach ball to the face (Damnit Kev, stay away from the beaches!)
APRIL 3 – Gets trapped in the astral plane
APRIL 4 – Knuckle push-ups while bowling with Andrew Bynum
APRIL 12 – Fork to the eye
APRIL 13 – Yeast infection
APRIL 14 – Fork to the other eye
APRIL 15 – Hunger-like symptoms
APRIL 16 – Fork to the first eye again
APRIL 17 – The farts
APRIL 20 – Falls off couch watching the NBA playoffs at home