A gangly moose man like me has no right criticizing anybody’s physical movements ever.
I’ve tripped up the stairs before. One time I knocked over a $2,000 display of Precious Moments figurines in a drug store because my feet disagreed about what the function of feet were. I accidentally gave my wife a black eye this Christmas when I threw a no-look doggy toy pass to my dachshund. I’m on Weight Watchers.
But what in the holy hell is Kevin Love doing!?
Our franchise player had 7 points on 3-14 shooting against the Rockets. He hit 0-7 three-pointers. 0-7!!! Do you realize that we could have literally replaced Kevin Love with anybody in the world and they would have shot as well as he did tonight from the 3pt line? LITERALLY ANYBODY. The Fox Sports North Girls, Fats Domino, Hagar The Horrible, Glenn Danzig, Doink The Clown, an LOLcat with a basketball-cannon. Maybe after like the fifth miss you ought to think to yourself “Hey, maybe I’m trying a little too hard right now considering I just came back from a broken hand after my manatee fisting injury or whatever the hell I did. Maybe I’ll just dial it back a little and try a granny shot from two feet out.”
This is not an anti-Kevin Love blog. I want him to be everything he puffed his chest out about. It’s hard to swallow his play this season after his contract debacle and his “I believe in surrounding greatness with greatness” speech, but if he returns to 2011-12 form I’ll be in the front row wearing his jersey with the Fox Sports North Girls. Does anybody have front row tickets? Does anybody have the Fox Sports North Girls’ numbers?
But we didn’t just lose this game. James Harden killed us. That dude is stupid good. That’s two games in a row now that we’ve had a chance to win late in the fourth and the opponents’ superstar player went off on us. How good is Harden? Their second best player is Judge Reinhold and they beat us.
This was supposed to be a rebuilding year for the Rockets. Instead, they pulled off a blockbuster trade and are actually better than they were last year. How did they do that? That’s not the Timberwolves rebuilding playbook at all! This is how you do it, amateurs:
1) Surround your disillusioned superstar with a bunch of people you found at Office Max.
2) Trade your superstar for a bag of Funions and an authentic Yeti pelt.
3) Lose all your draft picks for five years because of an illegal signing. After that draft Jonny Flynn, Wes Johnson and Engelbert Humperdinck Jr.
4) Forget that you have a basketball team.
5) Go Lynx!
6) Hey, the Heat are in town.
7) Stumble upon a superstar player.
This Saturday I’m going to the Wolves/Suns game at the Target Center to watch the epic return of Michael Beasley and Wes Johnson! Will Beasley smoke weed the entire game? Will Wes get to play at all? Will I be able to pee in that disgusting communal urinal troth without crying? Stay tuned!