Kevin Garnett is a genius.
Not only is he the greatest Timberwolf of all time but there’s not even a close second. Physically, he is a shell of his former self, but his mouth is fully and loudly intact. He’s like an old Honda Accord with a $10,000 sound system that still wakes up the neighborhood.
In case you missed it, during last Monday’s Celtics/Knicks game KG reclaimed his Shit-Talker-Of-The-Millennium crown by telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife LaLa (whom he is allegedly separated from) “tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.” Not Fruit Loops. Not King Vitamin. Not regular Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios. Brilliant! Something tells me Kev wasn’t talking about how she helped him lower his cholesterol and reduce his risk of heart disease. It rattled Anthony so badly that he waited outside the Celtics’ bus after the game in some kind of angry, “Say Anything” moment.
LaLa’s slogan: “We’re gonna tempt your tummy, with the taste of nuts and honey.”
Can’t KG come back and play one more year with us? Is there anybody on our team that can rattle off trash that succinctly? Half our guys can barely speak English.
I’ve been to my fair share of Timberwolves games and here’s the best I’ve heard the Pups dish out:
Kevin Love: “(Coughs in opponent’s face) Now you have flu-like symptoms, bitch.”
Alexey Shved: “In Russia…Honey Nut Cheerios taste like YOU!”
Rest of the team – “Ouch, my knees.”
Tonight we play the Oklahoma City Thunder in OKC. In other words, we’re screwed. But the good news is, this is a great team to practice our shit-talking chops on. What a bunch of fake dorks. Man, that pisses me off. Okay, NBA players…listen up. You made it. You’re rich, you’re famous and you’re supremely physically superior to 99.9% of the human race. STOP DRESSING LIKE URKEL! You’re supposed to dress like Allen Iverson or the bad guys from Revenge of the Nerds, not Kurt Rambis. This is just some fad to you. I couldn’t help it. In 9th grade I wore denim from head to toe. Hat, shirt, jeans. I would have worn denim shoes if I could have found them. I used to play “Risk” by myself. I have to live with that. So enjoy your rimless glasses and your stupid back-pack, tourists. I didn’t get laid until I was old enough to rent a car.
Russell Westbrook dancing on my virginity. Photo from usatoday30.usatoday.com
Special thanks to the guys from KFAN for having me on this morning on The Power Trip radio show. Click here to take a listen. I was on from 7-9.
