Sacramento Kings To Become The Seattle Supersonics; Seattle Not Ready For DeMarcus Cousins (@ OKC Thunder L 106-84)

Posted: 01/10/2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Whatever.

We lost to one of the top three teams in the league and we’re injured.  We’re Mr. Potato Head without the eyes, ears, hands or a nose.  What do you want from us?

Honestly, this season is much less depressing than last year’s.  Last year, the rug got pulled out from under us with no warning when Rubio went down.  This year has been one thing after another.  Every time a bell rings a Timberwolf gets injured.  I don’t even care anymore.  Derrick Williams seems to have kinda-sorta figured out how to maybe play basketball.  Which means any day now his toes will get sucked off in a freak combine accident.

It could be worse.  We could be Sacramento.

Keep DeMarcus Cousins away from the Starbucks, Seattle.  He's gonna kill somebody.

Keep DeMarcus Cousins away from the Starbucks, Seattle. He’s one cappuccino away from killing somebody.

The Maloof Brothers are selling the Sacramento Kings to a “Seattle-based group.”  In other words, the Sacramento Kings are about to become the Seattle Supersonics.  Same old colors and jerseys, too.  I feel bad for the city of Sacramento, but also for myself because I won’t be able to hear about some brothers named “Maloof” anymore.  That name is awesome.  It sounds like they should be selling newspapers for a quarter on the corner and playing jacks in 1940’s Brooklyn.  “Those damn Maloof Brothers stole my short pants again!  Only a phosphate and a trip to the talkies will make me feel better.”

Okay, so if Sacramento is going to become the Sonics, then what does that make the Thunder, who used to BE (and technically still have the same history as) the Sonics?  Oklahoma City doesn’t fly the 1979 Sonics Championship banner.  That makes it seem like they made a clean break from the past.  Will the new Sonics raise it?  Can they?  If I decided to legally change my name from “Mike Brody” to “Boppo Wisniewski” could somebody just change their name to “Mike Brody” and take my wife?  Who gets to claim Gary Payton?  Who gave Shawn Kemp all that cocaine!?  MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!  STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!!!

This whole scenario scares me, because according to Timberwolves’ owner Glen Taylor, he will be selling the team in a few years.  Taylor says he’s only going to sell to a buyer that will keep the team in Minnesota, but tell that to the Sacramento Kings and the (old) Seattle Supersonics.  Because I need the Timberwolves.  It’s comforting to know that no matter how many times I accidentally flood my apartment or poop a little bit in my pants, there’s someone out there that thinks that drafting 35 point guards in one year is a good idea.  If people still pay David Kahn to do things, then maybe I stand a chance in life too.

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