At least last year our season wasn’t ruined until March. How is this season turning out to be worse? We have eight and a half uninjured players if you count Ricky Rubio. If we keep at this pace pretty soon we’ll be able to fit all our players into a bobsled. Dear God, I just wished we still had Michael Beasley. My brain is turning on me!
We had an 18 point lead (!!!) in the first quarter and ended up losing by 12 because our players were tired. Luke Ridnour fell asleep in his jammies by the bench like it was Christmas morning. We need to trade for anyone or anything, pronto. The Birdman, Rudy Gay and his ginormous contract, a sack of potatoes that we throw at opposing players. Glen Taylor and David Kahn themselves wouldn’t be as bad as seeing Steimsma and Amundson doucheball it up out there. Let Kahn run around for 40 minutes and get plowed over by that weirdo with the unibrow. Seriously, am I the only one who is freaked out by Anthony Davis?
Alright, we can’t let ourselves lose hope. Things can happen. All the other teams’ stadiums could fall into a sinkhole and we could win the championship by default. The 2004 Lakers, Pacers and Pistons could be found guilty of giving their players PCP and the title could be retroactively given to us. You never know!
I am just full of delusional optimism. I have to be. I’m a Timberwolves fan. So here’s a few things to remind yourself of, so as to not fall into a Timberwolves induced depression:
1) Remember that all of our players are eventually coming back. Well, except Brandon Roy probably. I’m pretty sure his knees are held together by gum and soggy spit-wads. But nobody’s dead. Right? Wait, has anybody seen Lazar Haywood lately?
2) Good seats will most likely be much easier to get soon. During the Rambis era, I would just buy upper level seats and sneak down to the floor. Nobody bothered to stop me. I’m pretty sure I could have coached if I’d wanted. Two more months without Kevin Love means I might even be able to buy the team soon and make Jack Sikma run me around in a rickshaw.
3) If (when) we don’t make the playoffs we will have a fancy lottery pick to use on Shawn Bradley Jr. or some conjoined twins from St. Cloud.