It’s the year 2030 in the NBA: The Minnesota Timberwolves have their first winning season since 2005. Retired star Metta World Peace is serving the second of his ten year sentence for murdering Lakers coach Kobe Bryant for not returning his mind telegram. (Mind telegrams still don’t exist in 2030.) And Tim Duncan breaks his own record for oldest NBA Finals MVP at the age of 53 as the San Antonio Spurs quietly win their twelfth NBA championship.
As usual, the experts count out the Spurs in the pre-season. “Too old,” they say. “There’s no way Tony Parker will come back from his hip replacement surgery to play again.” “It’s sad that Manu Ginobli has Alzheimer’s but he needs to start wearing pants on the court.” “Cyborg David Robinson will surely short out again in the playoffs.”
As usual, the experts are wrong.
Some say that bringing the Phoenix Suns’ heralded training staff on board makes the difference. Others think they made a deal with the devil. But regardless, the San Antonio Spurs keep winning and winning. Star after star from other teams fades away. And as new players come and go, the Big Spur 3 remained intact.
Finally, in 2029, Tim Duncan revealed their long coveted secret:
“Mummification. We are in a mummified state nearly every second that we’re not on the court. Pop’s not one for extravagance but he said you have to make exceptions sometimes. So we had an old pharaoh’s aid from Egypt brought in and he wraps us up with toilet paper, masking tape and Gorilla Glue every day. The most annoying thing to me is the blood sacrifice to Mithra. It takes forever! So many pigeons! But we have twelve championship rings to show for it. I’ll deal with being Osiris’ afterlife slave when I get there.”
Will the Spurs win their thirteenth championship in 2031? Conventional wisdom says no, but Egyptian sorcery says otherwise.