Get over yourself, Brooklyn.  Nobody thinks you’re special just because Jay-Z and a Russian supervillain bought you.

But that’s what Brooklyn’s best at: Thinking they’re special.  Have you seen the Brooklyn Nets’ reality show, “The Association”?  At one point, Rosie Perez (Rosie Perez? There’s nobody else from Brooklyn?) walks new Net Joe Johnson around the “neighborhood” to show him how much it means to the community and how really small and tight knit they are.  As if 3/4 of them wouldn’t steal your hub-caps.  Spare me the “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn” underdog bullshit.  Oh yeah, you’re just a regular hayseed there, Cleatus.  You want to talk about small towns?  I grew up in a small town in northern Iowa.  Everything’s 20 years behind.  Pearl Jam “Ten” just came out on cassette there.

We’re not falling for your awe-shucks “America’s Team” ruse, Brooklyn.  The rest of the country knows exactly who you really are.  Allow me to volunteer my take:

DERON WILLIAMS:  Infamous coach-killer with weird flat/shiny/tin-foil hair.  If he were a movie character he’d totally be the guy who pretends to be your friend and then pushs you into the zombies to get away.  Never trust anybody who’s friends with Dwight Howard.

JOE JOHNSON:  Joe Johnson would probably be much more famous if he didn’t have the most generic name of all time.  Why not “Man Guy” or “Basketball Player #2”?  Listen, he’s a good player but he’s old enough to remember when Reebok “Pumps” and Hypercolor first came out so tick-tock there, Man Guy.

BROOK LOPEZ:  I’m convinced somebody gave steroids to Screech from Saved By The Bell and changed his name to Brook Lopez.  And how does a 7’0″ man average only seven rebounds a game for his career?  I guess jumping in the air leaves you vulnerable to Slater-wedgies.

Screech Brook Lopez

Brook Lopez’s high school basketball card is highly collectible. Photo from mirror.co.uk.

KRIS HUMPHRIES:  He humped Kim Kardashian.  Supposedly he plays basketball too.

ANDRAY BLATCHE:  Douchebag.

JERRY STACKHOUSE:  Born during World War I, Stackhouse is the all-time leader in barnstorming and peach-basket shot attempts.

REGGIE EVANS:  You were an Iowa Hawkeye.  Iowa code forbids hating on another Iowan unless they are an Iowa State Cyclone.  Proceed.

GERALD WALLACE:  The greatest Charlotte Bobcat of all time!  Which makes him the 1,000,000th best player in NBA history.  Dude, growing corn-row/dreads doesn’t make you look any less balding.  It just makes it look like your hair is jumping off the back of your head in a single-file line.

Gerald Wallace just realizing he spent his glory days as a Bobcat.  Photo from examiner.com.

Gerald Wallace just realizing he spent his glory days as a Bobcat. Photo from examiner.com.

Next up, the Timberwolves play the Wizards in Washington. For the love of God, let’s get a win.  These guys are horrible.

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