Well, stick a fork in this season.
We just lost back-to-back games against the weak-ass Wizards and the bottom-of-the-barrel Bobcats. Pathetic. I’m pretty sure a team consisting of Andy Dick, Chris Christie, Betty White and the cast of Glee could beat us right now.
The Minnesota Timberwolves “Catfished” its fans. We were promised this amazing, hot, sexy woman of a season. She said she’d be with us forever. But when we met her she didn’t have an arm. That’s okay, we thought. Those are the girls we can get: The ones that are missing something. But then her other arm fell off. Then her nose. Then her butt swiveled like a picture frame falling off a nail and dropped to the floor. Three months later she’s just a torso that you have to carry around in a BabyBjörn. Enjoy your new girlfriend! I’m sure she’ll be better next year.
I love the NBA and I love the Timberwolves. I don’t ask for much in this world. But by the laws of probability and statistics, aren’t we supposed to be good again eventually? When in the name of God is that going to happen? How can we still suck after all these years? Don’t tell me it’s that nobody wants to play here because of the weather. We have Russians! They are descended from polar bears and yetis. Minnesota is Cancun to them.
It’s just hard to imagine the Timberwolves ever having a winning season again. We’ll get the #1 pick in the Lottery and accidentally draft a volleyball player. We’ll trade for Kobe Bryant when he’s 55. Kevin Love will decide to re-sign with us and then the training staff will accidentally remove his frontal lobe while he’s stretching.
We’re screwed. We’re cursed. We’re %#$@ed.
Next up we play the Los Angeles Clippers at home. Even the Clippers managed to get good. The. Clippers. Dear God, make it stop.