Bah!  We can’t even beat the Lakers when they suck!

What has to happen for us to beat these sons of bitches?  Dwight Howard’s an idiot whose back is made out of Jello Pudding Pop sticks.  Steve Nash went to a Rolling Stones concert and got mistaken for one of their parents.  And Kobe Bryant is about to lose his mind and pull a Mel Gibson voicemail on the rest of the team.  Damnit, Earl Clark, you blow Kobe first before you get into the jacuzzi!  Kobe’s going to burn this house down!

The Lakers have literally beaten the Timberwolves 20 times in a row now.  20 times!  I don’t even know why we keep trying.  If you asked a girl out 20 times you’d probably have a restraining order by now.  Except this girl’s not even hot anymore.  She’s dysfunctional and got fired from her stripper job for eating a cheeseburger on stage.

The really annoying thing about this Lakers team is that their fans are boo-hooing all over the place because they’re currently 3 1/2 games out of the playoffs.  AHHHHHHHHHHHH…poor babies.  What’s it like to miss one year of the playoffs?  This has to be the second hardest moment of your life, after that one time “Dancing With The Stars” didn’t DVR.  Now take a look at the Timberwolves.  If Kevin Garnett did not exist, we might not have made the playoffs, EVER!  That’s since 1989.  The Simpsons debuted that year.  So tickle my butt with your nose, LA.

It's been a tough season for life-time bandwagon fans.  Photo from

It’s been a tough season for lifetime bandwagon fans. Photo from

Lakers fans are just the worst.  I’ll cut you some slack if you live in LA or have before, but other than that you’re the poser of all poser fans.  These are the same people who root for the New York Yankees and the Dallas Cowboys.  They ask for mild sauce at a Thai restaurant and complain when Facebook makes a change.  These people don’t like basketball.  They like security and being on the winning team.  Which is why their completely unexpected implosion this season is just so, so satisfying to watch.

And they still beat us.

  1. Ryan S., Lifelong Angeleno says:

    I love my Lakers! Go Lakers! I bleed purple and gold! We want Phil! We want Phil! We want Phil!

  2. […] I don’t think I have to tell you how much I hate the Los Angeles Lakers, because I already have. […]

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