Technically, the Minnesota Timberwolves still have a shot at the playoffs. But technically, I also have a shot at winning a break-dancing competition in Harlem while dressed like Kramer from Seinfeld. In other words, NBA Lottery Draft here we come. Summer just wouldn’t be summer in Minnesota without a suped-up hopper full of ping-pong balls.
I refuse to totally give up on this season, though. Not because I am a hopeful little angel of light and joy, but because I am stubborn as a ice-fisherman in April and mildly obsessive-compulsive (self-diagnosed) and have pinned my entire happiness on how well the Timberwolves do. Last season sucked shit. The season before that sucked shit. Everything that didn’t have Kevin Garnett’s name on it has sucked shit (and even a couple of those have too). This was supposed to be the season of the ceasing of the shit. Instead, shit got real. So I have two options: Cry and complain that I am a fan of the new Clippers. Or smile big and wide and Stepford Wife my way through another goddamn Timberwolves season.
So…big smiles everyone! There’s a lot left in this Timberwolves season to enjoy. Ricky Rubio is really starting to up his play in the last half-dozen games. At some point this season, believe it or not, we may even have all of our players back. Except for Brandon Roy. Let’s be honest, unless the NBA allows him to push himself around on a skateboard, that dude’s never coming back. And then there’s a possibility of some kind of trade(s) happening before the February 21st trade deadline. If one thing makes having a cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs tolerable it’s having a slightly different cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs. To the trade scenarios!
Luke Ridnour for Raja Bell – According to 1500 ESPN Twin Cities, this trade with the Utah Jazz has been in discussion. Oh Luke. You know this poor bastard just wants to play on a contender just once in his career. Just once! Can we just trade him to Miami as a Make-A-Wish? He’ll get a championship and we’ll get Juwan Howard’s ancient bones and his Cosby sweater. Who cares? He’d play as much as Kevin Love does.
Speaking of Kevin Love – The Minnesota Timberwolves WILL NOT trade Kevin Love. All you bloggers/Bleacher Report hacks can just shut your faces about that. I read some dude’s blubbery malarkey on RantSports about the Wolves trading Love for Carlos Boozer and a Bulls’ draft pick. Are you fucking kidding me? I know Glen Taylor and David Kahn are stupid, but that’s like dunking the ball at the buzzer when we’re down by three level stupid. (I will never forgive you, Martell Webster!) How insulting is it to us that people assume that since we have a superstar player, we just have to trade them because surely they’re not happy here? Kevin Love is plenty happy, alright? His beard wouldn’t work in Los Angeles anyway, with all the heat and smog and spray-tanning.
Derrick Williams for Kyrie Irving – This trade involves a bit of mind-control and a mulligan on an entire year of basketball. But I know a hypnotist/magician who might be able to convince someone to swap last year’s #1 pick/star of the future for last year’s #2 pick/Wes Johnson of the future. All I need is some candles, a stereo that can play New Age subliminal messages on tape and someone willing to kidnap Dan Gilbert.
Greg Steimsma for Bigfoot – Hear me out, okay? First off, ticket sales would spike. And Bigfoot would serve the exact same purpose as the Steamer by running around all willy-nilly and blocking a shot here or there seemingly by accident. He also might freak out some of the more germophobic NBA stars. And he kind of looks like Teen Wolf and that story ended with a championship.
Our last game before the All-Star break is this Wednesday against the Utah Jazz at home. Will the Jazz show up with a salty pair of magic underwear just for Luke Ridnour? Stay tuned, sports fans!