With eight games left in the season, I figured now was as good of time as any to cart out the end of the season grades for the Minnesota Timberwolves. Maybe someday I’ll be doing these in June? Right. Maybe someday I’ll be the Princess of Wales too? I keep leaving glass slippers everywhere, but I live downtown so people keep smoking crack out of them.
What qualifies me to judge and grade professional basketball players on their skill when I averaged 0.01 minutes a game on my high school team? Well, I’m crazy. I punched a guy in the face at the Y during a pick-up game at noon when I was 34. (I use that reasoning for everything.)
In alphabetical order:
JJ Barea: B-
A lot of people hate JJ, but I love his spark and his super hot wife. He’s a 4’5″ man who thinks he’s 7’6″. Obviously, Freaky Friday happened for real. Somewhere there’s a Manute Bol looking motherfucker who thinks he’s a horse jockey.
Chase Budinger: B-
Would have gotten an A-, except that he was spotted at the House of Comedy in Bloomington, MN, at a Steve-O show. I performed stand-up there only weeks later and I never saw Chase’s Jared-Leto-from-Fight-Club head there the whole time. B-!
Dante Cunningham: B+
Dante gets a B+ just for not having any kind of significant injury.
Mickael Gelabale & Chris Johnson: TBD
Like your grandpa’s new fling at the nursing home, you just want to see if they’ll survive before you invest yourself emotionally.
Andrei Kirilenko: A-
I love Kirilenko because he doesn’t seem human. His body is all boxy and ragged corners, like when the Muppets put on a trenchcoat and pretended to be one big human. Combine that, Drago from Rocky IV and a scarecrow and you have the most consistent player on the Wolves this year.
Malcolm Lee: N/A
It’s been so long since he played that I actually forgot who he was or what he did.
Kevin Love: D-
For music nerds: Kevin Love’s season was supposed to be “Smile” and ended up being “Smiley Smile.”
For Game of Thrones nerds: Kevin Love’s season was supposed to be Tyrion Lannister but ended up being Joffrey Baratheon.
For Mike Brody nerds: Kevin Love’s season was supposed to be how Mike Brody views himself, but ended up being how Mike Brody really is.
Nikola Pekovic: A+
I blocked a guy on Facebook once for talking shit about Pekovic’s tattoo. That’s all you need to know. Greatest. Ever.
Luke Ridnour: C+
Not good or bad. Like a day old doughnut. Just there.
Brandon Roy: F
Oscar Pistorius’ legs are more real than yours. Time to quit, Brandon.
Ricky Rubio: A
“Change this face. Be Happy. Enjoy!” When Ricky’s done being our last true hope, he can retire and record soundbites for Mario Brothers games. “Itsa ME! RICKY!”
Alexey Shved: B-
Alexey’s first half of the season was great and the second half sucked. So, the prototypical Timberwolf.
Greg Steimsma: C
Derrick Williams: C
If the Timberwolves are having a garage sale this summer then Derrick Williams is the vibrator hidden in the box of batteries. Somebody might have wanted it new, but good luck getting anything for it now.