I don’t think I have to tell you how much I hate the Los Angeles Lakers, because I already have.
And we have a chance to completely ruin their season. The Lakers and the Utah Jazz are in a dogfight for the last spot in the Western Conference playoffs. There’s only about a half dozen games left in the season and every single one counts. And lo and behold, guess who plays the Jazz TWICE before the season’s out? Your very own Minnesota Timberwolves.
I love that Minnesotans are honest and hard-working people. I love that we pride ethics in our lives. But the Minnesota Timberwolves are not from Minnesota. Luke Ridnour’s from Oregon, Ricky Rubio’s from Spain, Kevin Love was born at sea on Dennis Wilson’s house boat and Nikola Pekovic was born and raised on the Berlin Wall, I think. And therefore, I say fuck it! Let’s throw these damn games.
What’s the worst that could happen? The 1919 White Sox purposely lost the World Series for money and what happened to them? I think they got banned for life or something, but they made it onto the Field Of Dreams! And that’s all anybody really remembers or cares about. Does anybody remember Shoeless Joe Jackson’s nemesis, Pointy-Boots LaRue? No, they don’t. They remember the famous cheater who hung out with Kevin Costner.
No playoffs for you this year, Lakers! Because if it’s one thing the Timberwolves are good at, it’s losing. I want to see Lakers fans jumping ship like it’s the Titanic. And the last three people on board are Kobe, Dwight and Nash playing their stupid million dollar violins. Kobe will turn to those two and say “Gentlemen, it’s been an honor playing with you this season. And when I say honor, I mean it was the worst. God, you guys suck.”
We created you guys. The Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers. There’s no lakes in California, just black tar heroin pits and stripper glitter reservoirs. You stole our team. And now 50 years later we’re repaying the debt by ruining your season. Greg Steimsma will be starting at point guard in both games against Utah. JJ Barea will be playing center. A sad and lonely Christian Laettner will be coming out of retirement and starting at PF. We’re going down, Los Angeles. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
See you in the Lottery, bitches.