We suck at drafting. Like super suck. I was trying to think of an analogy like “We are the _____ of drafting” and then I realized it’s already right in front of me. We are the Minnesota Timberwolves of drafting. David Kahn, Flip Saunders, it doesn’t matter. We treat each draft like it’s a meat raffle and yet we come home with Twinkies.
Positives first: We drafted guys with fantastically comic booky names Shabazz and Gorgui. Too bad Magneto and Doctor Octopus were already taken. In addition, Shabazz can be used as a verb like “Smurf”, as in “He goes up! And yes! With the SHABAZZ!” and “You really shouldn’t Shabazz in public.” Also, neither draft pick is white, which lowers our Cape Cod percentage to 85% bleached. Phew!
Negatives: We could have had Trey Burke, arguably the best point guard in the draft. Granted, we have 45 point guards, but in a weak draft like this you take what you can get. Instead, we basically swapped for Michael Beasley with less talent. Shabazz has allegedly lied about his age, sulked when a teammate scored a game-winning basketball instead of him and de-pantsed elderly people in public on their birthdays. That last one might not be true, but that’s how poorly he’s being portrayed.
It really comes as no surprise if you pay attention to our history. We’ve flubbed way more than we’ve hit. Here are our top lottery pick selections since our very first year. Try not to be blown away by the star-power:
1989 – Pooh Richardson #10 (Pooh!)
1990 – Felton Spencer #5 (Swing and a miss.)
1991 – Luc Longley #7 (An avocado tree could have played center for the Bulls and won those titles.)
1992 – Christian Laettner #3 (No comment necessary.)
1993 – Isaiah “J.R.” Rider #5 (Our first go-around with a mega-talented pile of shit.)
1994 – Donyell Marshall #4 (Who?)
1995 – Kevin Garnett #5 (YAY!! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer! Good job, Wolves!)
1996 – Ray Allen #5 (YAY! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer! Oh, wait. Traded to Milwaukee. For Stephon Marbury. Feeling…sad…)
1999 – Wally Szczerbiak #6 (Pick traded From New Jersey. Wayzata embodied in human form. If only his game stood up as much as his intensely gelled hair.)
2006 – Brandon Roy #6 (Traded to Portland. Booo! No, yay! No, wait…I’m not sure.)
2007 – Corey Brewer #7 (Clank.)
2008 – O.J. Mayo #3 (Traded to Memphis for Kevin Love. YAY! Good job, Kevin McHale! Maybe you aren’t so bad, after all. Hey, where are you?)
2009 – Ricky Rubio #5 (Real-life anime teddy bear and hopefully the face of our franchise for years to come. Either way, I could really use a Ricky Rubio “Change this face!” pick-me-up right now.)
2009 – Jonny Flynn #6 (Sucks so bad that his name tried to spell “no” several times.)
2010 – Wesley Johnson #4 (To this day, I’m partially convinced that Wesley Johnson was just a tall usher in the audience who got mistaken for an NBA player and drafted.)
2011 – Derrick Williams #2 (T.B.D. Best case scenario: We trade him for something. Worst case scenario: Kevin Love breaks his knuckles on his face. KABLAM! CHA-POW! SHABAZZ!)
2013 – Drafted Trey Burke #9, then traded him for the picks that became Shabazz Muhammad, Gorgui Dieng and Sassafras Tinklytoots.
2014- Grumpy Cat #1 and David Kahn #9? Why not?
Let’s face it, Wolves fans (those of you still out there) – It doesn’t matter who our GM or President or head coach is. Glen Taylor is the owner and will be for a long, long time. As long as he holds the reigns: We. Are. Screwed. Who’s really to blame? The idiots and their idiot decisions? Or the King Idiot who keeps hiring all the idiots? Or the idiot like me who keeps watching?