Archive for June, 2013

Shabazz Mohammad. Photo from twincities.com

The Timberwolves’ #14 pick: Shabazz Muhammad. Photo from twincities.com

We suck at drafting.  Like super suck.  I was trying to think of an analogy like “We are the _____ of drafting” and then I realized it’s already right in front of me.  We are the Minnesota Timberwolves of drafting.  David Kahn, Flip Saunders, it doesn’t matter.  We treat each draft like it’s a meat raffle and yet we come home with Twinkies.

Positives first: We drafted guys with fantastically comic booky names Shabazz and Gorgui.  Too bad Magneto and Doctor Octopus were already taken.  In addition, Shabazz can be used as a verb like “Smurf”, as in “He goes up!  And yes!  With the SHABAZZ!” and  “You really shouldn’t Shabazz in public.”  Also, neither draft pick is white, which lowers our Cape Cod percentage to 85% bleached.  Phew!

Negatives: We could have had Trey Burke, arguably the best point guard in the draft.  Granted, we have 45 point guards, but in a weak draft like this you take what you can get.  Instead, we basically swapped for Michael Beasley with less talent.  Shabazz has allegedly lied about his age, sulked when a teammate scored a game-winning basketball instead of him and de-pantsed elderly people in public on their birthdays.  That last one might not be true, but that’s how poorly he’s being portrayed.

It really comes as no surprise if you pay attention to our history.  We’ve flubbed way more than we’ve hit.  Here are our top lottery pick selections since our very first year.  Try not to be blown away by the star-power:

1989 – Pooh Richardson #10 (Pooh!)

1990 – Felton Spencer #5 (Swing and a miss.)

1991 – Luc Longley #7 (An avocado tree could have played center for the Bulls and won those titles.)

1992 – Christian Laettner #3 (No comment necessary.)

1993 – Isaiah “J.R.” Rider #5 (Our first go-around with a mega-talented pile of shit.)

1994 – Donyell Marshall #4 (Who?)

1995 – Kevin Garnett #5 (YAY!! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer!  Good job, Wolves!)

1996 – Ray Allen #5 (YAY! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer!  Oh, wait.  Traded to Milwaukee.  For Stephon Marbury.  Feeling…sad…)

1999 – Wally Szczerbiak #6 (Pick traded From New Jersey.  Wayzata embodied in human form. If only his game stood up as much as his intensely gelled hair.)

2006 – Brandon Roy #6 (Traded to Portland.  Booo!  No, yay!  No, wait…I’m not sure.)

2007 – Corey Brewer #7 (Clank.)

2008 – O.J. Mayo #3 (Traded to Memphis for Kevin Love.  YAY!  Good job, Kevin McHale!  Maybe you aren’t so bad, after all.  Hey, where are you?)

2009 – Ricky Rubio #5 (Real-life anime teddy bear and hopefully the face of our franchise for years to come.  Either way, I could really use a Ricky Rubio “Change this face!” pick-me-up right now.)

2009 – Jonny Flynn #6 (Sucks so bad that his name tried to spell “no” several times.)

2010 – Wesley Johnson #4 (To this day, I’m partially convinced that Wesley Johnson was just a tall usher in the audience who got mistaken for an NBA player and drafted.)

2011 – Derrick Williams #2 (T.B.D. Best case scenario: We trade him for something.  Worst case scenario: Kevin Love breaks his knuckles on his face.  KABLAM!  CHA-POW!  SHABAZZ!)

2013 – Drafted Trey Burke #9, then traded him for the picks that became Shabazz Muhammad, Gorgui Dieng and Sassafras Tinklytoots.

2014- Grumpy Cat #1 and David Kahn #9?  Why not?

Grumpy Mike - Frighteningly, I swear to God this picture was taken before I'd even heard of Grumpy Cat.  Photo by Ryan Wisniewski

Grumpy Mike – Frighteningly, I swear to God this picture was taken before I’d even heard of Grumpy Cat. Photo by Ryan Wisniewski

Let’s face it, Wolves fans (those of you still out there) – It doesn’t matter who our GM or President or head coach is.  Glen Taylor is the owner and will be for a long, long time.  As long as he holds the reigns:  We.  Are.  Screwed.  Who’s really to blame?  The idiots and their idiot decisions?  Or the King Idiot who keeps hiring all the idiots?  Or the idiot like me who keeps watching?

Shabummer.

Foreshadowing by Flea? Photo from dimemag.com

Flea foreshadowing Shabazz’s 2015 panda smuggling prison stint. Photo from dimemag.com

Thank God for the Miami Heat!

Don’t get me wrong, I hate Miami.  They’re the villains of the league.  They’re Voldemort, Sauron and Screech all rolled into one.  They symbolize everything’s that’s lazy, impatient and egomaniacal about the league.  They bought their team.

But I’m a Minnesota Timberwolves fan.  And we suck.  The last time I was emotionally invested in a playoff game involving my team I was also setting up my first Myspace account.  In the absence of a team to root for, the Heat give me a team to root against.  So I am really, really into this year’s Finals.  Because fuck the Miami Heat.

And what better team to play the Heat than the San Antonio Spurs?  They’ve got four rings and are still somehow an underdog.  It’s everything that’s right with the NBA vs. everything that’s wrong.  It’s discipline vs. flash.  Draft picks/grassroots vs. free agency.  Aged vs. sorta-aged-but-hiding-under-a-headband.  2013 Bob Dylan vs. One Direction.  Michael Douglas vs. cunnilingus.  Wait, what was I talking about again?

Who will win between these two titans of professional basketball?  Who knows?  There’s so many factors.

Here’s what the Heat need to win this series:

LeBron just needs to be LeBron.  I hate his personality and way of life, but as a player it’s pretty hard to find much fault anymore.

A healthy Dwyane Wade.

A healthy Chris Bosh.

A hot shooting Ray Allen.

A healthy Mike Miller who doesn’t spontaneously combust into a pile of dust and hair-bands.

A Birdman who stays away from underaged girls.

A Birdman who stays away from drugs.

A Birdman who stays away from drug-addicted, underage girls and the illegal panda black market or whatever other shady shit he’s probably involved in.

A Norris Cole who doesn’t quit to join Bell Biv Devoe.

"If I touch your chin does your hair go higher?" Photo from 4.bp.blogspot.com

“If I touch your chin does your hair go higher?” Photo from 4.bp.blogspot.com

A healthy Rashard Lewis.  Just kidding.

A Juwan Howard who doesn’t get dementia from old age, think he’s LeBron James and try to dunk in his Men’s Warehouse suit.

A Shane Battier who realizes that for such a nerdy, bookish type he sure does knee people in the balls a lot.

Here’s what the Spurs need to win this series:

A Tim Duncan that keeps forgetting he’s 100 years old.  He’s like that baby boomer in the office that just won’t retire and let the younger generation have a job.  Tim Duncan was at Woodstock.

A Tony Parker who plays like he did against the Grizzlies.  Parker is easily the most talented person who’s ever been on the cover of US Weekly.  Although I heard Lindsay Lohan can ball too.

Tony Parker celebrating the big Western Conference Finals victory. Photo from talltalescameron.files.wordpress.com

Tony Parker celebrating the big Western Conference Finals victory. Photo from talltalescameron.files.wordpress.com

A can of spray-on hair for Manu Ginobli and that stupid bald spot of his.  What’s with the Fryar Tuck cut, Manu?  I know the Spurs don’t care about sponsorship, but you look like you should be selling lotion at a kiosk in the mall.

Manu is going for the "Wow, your dad sure is good at basketball" market.  Photo from usatoday.com

Manu going for the illustrious “Best old guy at the YMCA at noon” look/market. Photo from usatoday.com

A healthy Tracy McGrady.  Just kidding.

A Matt Bonner who keeps calling himself “Red Mamba” while heaving up three pointers with the form and grace of a sixth grade girl and somehow making them.  I’m pretty sure Bill Cartwright taught him how to shoot.

A Kawhi Leonard who continues to defy expectations by being the most fundamentally sound player in cornrows, ever.

A Patty Mills who keeps doing this.  Whatever the hell this is:

(On a side note: It took me months before I figured out his name wasn’t “Patty Melt.”  I was so disappointed.  He sounded delicious.)

Game 1 starts Thursday night at 8pm central time.  Go Spurs!  Boo Heat!  Down with Voldemort!