Thank God for the Miami Heat!
Don’t get me wrong, I hate Miami. They’re the villains of the league. They’re Voldemort, Sauron and Screech all rolled into one. They symbolize everything’s that’s lazy, impatient and egomaniacal about the league. They bought their team.
But I’m a Minnesota Timberwolves fan. And we suck. The last time I was emotionally invested in a playoff game involving my team I was also setting up my first Myspace account. In the absence of a team to root for, the Heat give me a team to root against. So I am really, really into this year’s Finals. Because fuck the Miami Heat.
And what better team to play the Heat than the San Antonio Spurs? They’ve got four rings and are still somehow an underdog. It’s everything that’s right with the NBA vs. everything that’s wrong. It’s discipline vs. flash. Draft picks/grassroots vs. free agency. Aged vs. sorta-aged-but-hiding-under-a-headband. 2013 Bob Dylan vs. One Direction. Michael Douglas vs. cunnilingus. Wait, what was I talking about again?
Who will win between these two titans of professional basketball? Who knows? There’s so many factors.
Here’s what the Heat need to win this series:
LeBron just needs to be LeBron. I hate his personality and way of life, but as a player it’s pretty hard to find much fault anymore.
A healthy Dwyane Wade.
A healthy Chris Bosh.
A hot shooting Ray Allen.
A healthy Mike Miller who doesn’t spontaneously combust into a pile of dust and hair-bands.
A Birdman who stays away from underaged girls.
A Birdman who stays away from drugs.
A Birdman who stays away from drug-addicted, underage girls and the illegal panda black market or whatever other shady shit he’s probably involved in.
A Norris Cole who doesn’t quit to join Bell Biv Devoe.
A healthy Rashard Lewis. Just kidding.
A Juwan Howard who doesn’t get dementia from old age, think he’s LeBron James and try to dunk in his Men’s Warehouse suit.
A Shane Battier who realizes that for such a nerdy, bookish type he sure does knee people in the balls a lot.
Here’s what the Spurs need to win this series:
A Tim Duncan that keeps forgetting he’s 100 years old. He’s like that baby boomer in the office that just won’t retire and let the younger generation have a job. Tim Duncan was at Woodstock.
A Tony Parker who plays like he did against the Grizzlies. Parker is easily the most talented person who’s ever been on the cover of US Weekly. Although I heard Lindsay Lohan can ball too.
A can of spray-on hair for Manu Ginobli and that stupid bald spot of his. What’s with the Fryar Tuck cut, Manu? I know the Spurs don’t care about sponsorship, but you look like you should be selling lotion at a kiosk in the mall.
A healthy Tracy McGrady. Just kidding.
A Matt Bonner who keeps calling himself “Red Mamba” while heaving up three pointers with the form and grace of a sixth grade girl and somehow making them. I’m pretty sure Bill Cartwright taught him how to shoot.
A Kawhi Leonard who continues to defy expectations by being the most fundamentally sound player in cornrows, ever.
A Patty Mills who keeps doing this. Whatever the hell this is:
(On a side note: It took me months before I figured out his name wasn’t “Patty Melt.” I was so disappointed. He sounded delicious.)
Game 1 starts Thursday night at 8pm central time. Go Spurs! Boo Heat! Down with Voldemort!