Archive for July, 2013

Okay, so maybe I was a little emo on my last post.  However, in true Minnesota never-admit-defeat-because-defeat-requires-awkward-feelings fashion, I have 100% recovered mentally and spiritually.

I was upset that we drafted alleged team-cancer and confirmed fuck-face, Shabazz Muhammed.  That was last week.  Now, I think he’ll be Rookie of the Year.  Why?  Because why not!?  We are the Timberwolves.  There’s no use rationalizing this stuff.  You can use all the advanced statistics you want to tell me that Player A has a better blippity-blop than Player B in the post bloppity-blip, but the truth of the matter is that some witch doctor in the French Caribbean has been sticking needles into a Minnesota Timberwolves since just after the Kevin Garnett days.  But now Garnett is a Brooklyn Net, so the curse is over.  DON’T RATIONALIZE IT!!!

And with that I would like to welcome the newest Minnesota Timberwolf, Kevin Martin:  Holy crap!  Somebody purposely choose to play for us.  And he’s black!  And his knees aren’t made out of wishes!  And he’s not KENYON MARTIN (I checked twice.)  Hot damn!

Kevin Martin: The most accurate awful-looking shot in history. Photo from rantsports.com

Kevin Martin shoots like he’s playing darts, but it goes in somehow.  Photo from rantsports.com

Because of this alone, I am predicting that we finish at least as high as the Denver Nuggets next year.  I don’t even know who plays for them anymore.  That team is disappearing faster than a pile of coke on Chris Anderson’s coffee table.  Throw in that we also re-signed the fairest maiden of them all, Chase Budinger, and it’s been a pretty good couple days for the Timberwolves.  All we need to do now is re-sign Pekovic.  We have to.  Give him whatever he wants.  A pile of skulls, a giant mutton chop from a dragon, the Holy Grail DVD or whatever medieval shit Pek’s into.  Dress up Troy Hudson like Rapunzel.  Or a big contract.  Whatever!  Make it happen, Flip!

Speaking of Flip, I like him infinitely better than David Kahn, with one minor negative:  There’s no easy “KAHHHNNNNNNN!” catch-phrase to yell when we’re mad at him.  Granted, the point of Flip’s hiring is that we’re NOT supposed to be mad at him as much as Kahn, but this is the Timberwolves after all.  After a quick brainstorm off the top of my head I came up with:

1) “Fuck you, Flip!”  (See, I told you it wasn’t easy.)

2) “MANATEE!”  (Flip looks like a sad manatee.)

Flip Saunders Manatee

or

3) “KAAAHHHHNNNNNNN!”  (We can still blame him for at least another five years.  It’s valid.)

Now, for the love of God, let’s make the playoffs next year.  Go Wolves!