Archive for August, 2013

Well, it’s been a pretty productive off-season for the Timberwolves so far.  And by productive, I mean not soul-suckingly horrible.  We didn’t draft 15 point guards or hire Jesse Ventura as our new head coach or turn our jerseys into armless ponchos or anything else that sadly isn’t out of the realm of possibility for us.  Being a Timberwolves’ fan is a lot like being Amanda Bynes’ parents.  Sometimes no news is good news.  Staying put is going forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves.

That said, a few things have happened this off-season, both good and bad:

GOOD: We signed Kevin Martin, which I talked about here. Hooray!

BAD: Shabazz Muhammad was kicked out of the NBA’s Rookie Transition Program, intended to teach rookies how to follow the rules, for bringing an “unapproved” woman into his hotel room.  I’ll assume that meant they weren’t supposed to have guests, not that she was ugly and no one approved of it.  Muhammad was fined and will have to take the course again next summer.  Screw it, do it again next year!  Nobody likes presentations and power points about being a goody two-shoes.  What is this, the Peace Corps?  They’re 20 year old kids!  Keep bringing more (visually approved) women every year and put off the course until you’re 35.  The dude has serious acne issues, Flip.  His chin looks like a sheet of sandpaper that someone glued Kix cereal to.  Be happy that he’s pulling down some.  If anything, try and hook him up with a girl who has a kink-fetish about guys who actually pass the basketball.  Win-win!

BAD: Andrei Kirilenko signed with the Brooklyn Nets.  I’m sad to see AK-47 go, but let’s be honest: He had the durability of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz (and the hair!)  We just need people who won’t get injured, and AK is not that man.  Besides, there was some seriously shady shit going on in that Nets deal.  Kirilenko signed for $7 million less with the Nets than he would have gotten in Minnesota.  Is it a coincidence that the owner is also a Russian, worth billions and appears to have all the forgiveness, understanding and power-madness of Vladimir Putin at a Pussy Riot benefit for gay rights?  Here’s how this went down:

NETS RUSSIAN SUPER-VILLAIN OWNER MIKHAIL PROKHOROV:  We would like you to sign with us, comrade.  3 million sounds fair, yes?  Also, if you don’t agree, I will pull all your toenails off with pliers and feed them to your butthole.

AK-47:  Deal.

GOOD: Nikola Pekovic re-signs for five years!  YES!  I’m going to admit, I’ve been seriously freaking out the possibility of him not coming back all summer.  Pek is my favorite Timberwolf.  There’s nobody like him.  He’s a mountain.  He’s old school and a giant among girly-men.  You think Mikhail Prokhorov could intimidate him into signing there?  Bitch please, Pek is from Montenegro!  He’ll pull off his own nails and make YOUR butthole eat them.  Sadly, outside of Minnesota and Montenegro, most people have no clue who Big Pek is.  They’re still cracking that lame “He looks like the villain from Superman 2” joke.  We thought of that three years ago!  Catch up, chucklefuck!  Got any Allen Iverson “We talkin’ ’bout PRACTICE!!!” memes you want to debut on us there, Johnny Carson?

Whatever, he’s our little secret.  For now.  But you’ll know over the next five years, when you wake up with a cracked skull just from watching him destroy your sorry team on NBA League Pass.  See that turkey leg in the picture below?  That’s not turkey, that’s what’s left of Andrew Bynum.  That vest is made from the charred remains of Brook Lopez’ weird hair.  And the Santa hat is made from the flacid, limp appendages of Dwight Howard.

We comin’.  (Please, nobody get hurt.)

It's Pekmas in August! Photo from

It’s Pekmas in August! Photo from

Go Timberwolves!  Playoff bound in 2014!!!