Archive for October, 2013

I don't want to jinx it, but I think there's a 100% chance of this happening. Photo from makintheplay.com

I don’t want to jinx it, but I think there’s a 100% chance of this happening in Minnesota. Photo from makintheplay.com

1-0, baby!

Any way you slice it, the Minnesota Timberwolves are tied for the #1 winning percentage in the league.  Top of the heap.  The New Jersey Nets and Kevin Garnett have a 0% win record at 0-1.  Ouch!  The Miami Heat?  1-1.  Not good enough for the top, chumps!

Here are my impressions from the first game of the season, other than our glorious, perfect record:

– Kevin Love looks great.  He’s in shape and appears strong and healthy.  Not only that, but he had 32 points, 17 rebounds, scored the big three-pointer that pushed us into overtime and had zero knuckle pushups.  Hooray!

Kevin's come a long way since Burger Time Kev.

Kevin’s come a long way since Burger Time Kev.

– Our two big new additions, Corey Brewer and Kevin Martin, played big roles.  Brewer had 16 points and made some key plays.  Martin shot poorly, but he still had 23 points.  And when he scored, it was at pivotal times.  It’ll take some getting used to his weird slingshot heave, but they usually go in, so screw it.  Nobody cares what the cook looks like, as long as the food tastes good.  And right now it tastes like three-point gravy and lay-up pizza.  I’m so hungry.

– A couple interesting DNPs (Did Not Plays): Shabazz Muhammad and Derrick Williams.  I’m interested to find out what Shabazz can do.  He’s just a rookie, so I’m sure he’ll get his chance after some hazing.  But I’ve seen enough of Derrick Williams.  He’s a lemon.  We wanted a Dodge Charger and we got a Plymouth Sundance with mothballs in the trunk and Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass in the tape deck.  And we’ve already got a “Spanish Flea.”

– Orlando’s Victor Oladipo is a baller.  He’s definitely an early front-runner for Rookie Of The Year.  Hopefully, Orlando will have a little better luck keeping their #2 pick in a Magic uniform than other famous #1s.

Dwight Howard Shaq Magic

No matter what Oladipo says, don’t let him call himself “Superman.” Photo from blacksportsonline.com

Next up we play the Oklahoma City Thunder at home.  Will our record fall by a whopping 50%?  Or will be win and remain statistically the greatest team on the planet?  To the Target Center!

Earlier this week I made my totally well-researched Eastern Conference predictions.  Today it’s time for the “it’s-not-freaking-fair-that-the-Timberwolves-are-in-this-stupid-tough-ass-conference-a-goddamn-glob-of-coconut-oil-could-make-the-Eastern-Conference-playoffs” Western Conference predictions:

1) Oklahoma City Thunder – Half of me thinks I’m an idiot for picking them #1. The other half thinks that there’s no way a team with a healthy and angry Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook combo can’t tear the league up regardless of who else is on the team.  OKC is the USA of the Western Conference. Sure, stats and logic will tell you that they’re #4 or #5 realistically.  But we all know they’re really #1.  USA! USA! USA!

2) San Antonio Spurs – I’m still pissed that they didn’t win the title last year.  These guys manage to somehow be injury-ridden, old and immortal all at the same time.  Somewhere there’s a picture of Dorian Gray with Duncan, Ginobli and Parker scribbled into the corner.  (There wasn’t room for David Robinson.)

3) Golden State Warriors – Everybody gives the Timberwolves shit for drafting Jonny Flynn instead of Steph Curry.  Here’s the thing that people don’t know: Steph Curry is a Satanist.  Yeah, he sacrifices baby goats for Satan. Look, I know this hasn’t gotten a lot of press, but it’s true.  Sure, we could have drafted him and had the most exciting frontcourt in the league with Rubio/Curry, but then we would have had a practicing disciple of hell on our team.  No thanks.

4) Los Angeles Clippers – Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see any of these top four teams in the Finals.  But I picked the Clippers below Golden State for two very important reasons.  1) They’re the Clippers 2) I can’t stand those stupid Chris & Cliff Paul State Farm commercials.  Really?  You guys are “born to assist” and you become a fancy-pants basketball player and a freakin’ car insurance salesman?  Look out Mother Theresa!

5) Houston Rockets – Nobody will ever win a championship with Dwight Howard.

6) Memphis Grizzlies – I want these guys to be higher, but the coach firing worries me.  Their stadium is nicknamed the “Grindhouse” though, and that’s awesome.  It makes me feel like Napalm Death and Anal C#$% are going to come out and vomit all over the opposing team at any moment.  Is that just me?

7) Minnesota Timberwolves – Yeah, I’m a homer.  But I feel like I’m being very fair with #7 here.  Two years in a row we were on course to make the playoffs and then…injuries. This year, Chase Budinger is already hurt.  But that’s a minor thing and he’ll be back shortly.  So if things just stay the course, we can do this.  Please God?  Can we please make the playoffs?  I forgot what it’s like to care about a basketball game after April.  Please stop Satan’s minion, Steph Curry, and help us!

8) Dallas Mavericks – They won the championship in 2011, right?  How can that be?  That feels like a million years ago. They gambled their roster after the championship year to get Deron Williams and/or Dwight Howard and fell short on both.  Instead, they got Monta Ellis.  A guy who makes Brandon Jennings look like John Stockton.  My favorite addition by far is Renaldo Balkman.  How great is it that Renaldo Balkman is on the same team as the Mavs 2nd greatest player of all time, Rolando Blackman?  That’s like the Bulls picking up a player called “Scobbie Pipplen.”

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9) New Orleans Pelicans – I love that they’re Pelicans!  Best Mascot ever!  Give them a year or two to stretch their huge, disgusting wings and they’ll be a good team.

10) Denver Nuggets – I don’t even know who’s on this team anymore.  Talk about the definition of imploding.

11) Portland Trailblazers – These guys might end up higher on this list than where I have them, but they traded us Martell Webster when they knew he was hurt.  Screw them.

12) Sacramento Kings – It’s not a good sign when your best player has the mental maturity of 4th grader who’s been grounded from Xbox.

DeMarcus Cousins addressing the press in the preseason.  Photo from bp.blogspot.com

DeMarcus Cousins before a game this preseason. Photo from bp.blogspot.com

13) Los Angeles Lakers – I had a dream last night that the Lakers moved to San Diego.  I’m no Miss Cleo but I think this is a prophecy.  Maybe they aren’t moving down to “America’s Finest City,” but they’re definitely headed south in the wins department.  Ding dong, the witch tore her achilles tendon!

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

14) Utah Jazz – Trey Burke is going to be the Damien Lillard of this year.  Except he’ll be on one of the worst teams in the league.  And he won’t be able to drink caffeine, smoke cigarrettes or have pre-marital sex with any of his nine girlfriends.

15) Phoenix Suns – Hey, they have twins on their team.  That’s neat.

Predicted NBA champion – Miami Heat.  It pains me to say it, but who’s going to stop them?  At least the Lakers will suck.

The Timberwolves’ season opener is Wednesday, October 30th, at home against Orlando.  Let’s go Wolves!

I think this map might overestimate the pull of the Minnesota Timberwolves' fanbase. Photo from hdwallpapers3d.com

Oh sweet, we get Wyoming! Photo from hdwallpapers3d.com

Hot damn, it’s NBA time again!

This season is full of question marks after last season’s screwball bowling injuries and salsa dancing controversies.  And that was just Andrew Bynum!  The only seemingly sure thing is the Miami Heat.  But much like Pat Riley’s perfectly coiffed, unmoving Lego hair, it feels like the whole thing could come tumbling down if all the pieces aren’t perfectly placed.

So, without further ado, my surely on-the-nose predictions for the 2013-2014 season.  Starting with the slightly improved from last year Eastern Conference:

1) Miami Heat – What can I say?  They’re the new LA Lakers. They’re monsters and even though losing Mike Miller makes them just a titch less good than last year, there still seems to be no end in sight to their domination.  That’s not even considering the low-risk, high-reward signings of Michael Beasley and Greg Oden.  And you can just forget about LeBron going back to Cleveland next year.  That’s like Miley Cyrus going back to Hannah Montana.  It’s too late.  We’ve already see your molly.

2) Chicago Bulls – Derrick Rose’s knee is either going to win a championship or explode like a pinata filled with liberals at an NRA convention.  Being a Timberwolves fan, my inclination is to believe that all injuries that can happen, will happen.  So in my mind, Derrick Rose has three weeks before a Looney Tunes anvil falls on him or he runs off a cliff.  Good luck, Chicago!  Bring an umbrella and don’t look down.

3) Indiana Pacers – I want to like the Indiana Pacers.  They’re a good team.  But they’re unfortunately located in the most wretched, backwards state in the union.  I got my car window busted out there for no reason other than that they were jealous that I was able to leave.  I would rather drink out of a BP oil slick than watch some angry hoosier talk with their peach-fuzz mustaches flapping and their John Cougar Mellancamp blasting.  “Little ditty, ’bout Jack and Diane…” Kill me.

4) Brooklyn Nets – Another team I want to like, but just don’t see it happening.  The Grim Reaper is coming for Kevin Garnett’s career this year.  Mark my words!  That dude has had a phenomenal run (his best statistical years were here in MN!) but I just believe that he’s going to be crestfallen and brittle this year. By the way, it’s been pathetic hearing Boston Celtics fans go “It’ll be so hard to see Kevin Garnett in another jersey!”  Oh yeah?  Cry me a river, Paddy.  Ask MN what that’s like!  At least you guys got a title out of it.  And you don’t get to mourn a player whose name you can’t even fully pronounce.  “Gahhhhhnett! Don’t leave, Gahhhhhhnet!”

5) New York Knicks – Here’s the problem: No way Carmelo Anthony is having that good of a season two years in a row.  Amare Stoudemire makes Greg Oden look like Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable.”  And they just signed a guy who couldn’t get decent stats in Toronto.  With Metta World Peace in the picture now, maybe the Knicks can relive some of those psychotic Charles Oakley/Anthony Mason “Sometimes we play basketball while we’re destroying souls” days.  Could Anthony Mason even raise his arms above his head?

Anthony Mason during the Knicks' 90s heyday.  Photo from comicvine.com

Anthony Mason’s 1995 Knicks team photo. Photo from comicvine.com

6) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, there were literally only two NBA teams you could watch regularly.  The Chicago Bulls on WGN and the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.  One had the greatest player of all time and rattled off six championships.  The other had an average of 10 fans in the stadium who accidentally stumbled in because they thought it was monster truck night.  Even with ‘Nique, the choice was obvious.  Water-polo in the North Pole has more fans.

7) Washington Wizards – It’s troubling that Emeka Okafor is already out indefinitely, but this is definitely a team on the rise.  John Wall hasn’t quite made the leap to superstar level, and this is the year he needs to do it.  If they can get Okafor back eventually and stay healthy otherwise, they should make the playoffs.  And poor Glen Rice Jr. has so much to live up to. His dad was an NBA all-star AND had sex with Sarah Palin. Maybe Jr. should try Michele Bachmann?

8) Detroit Pistons – There is a glimmer of hope in Detroit.  Andre Drummond, Greg Monroe, Josh Smith, Brandon Jennings, Chauncey Billups, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope III Esquire Jr.  The Pistons look great in theory!  Unfortunately, so did a stripper party at Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s house.  Thank you Detroit, for making Minnesota feel better about electing Jesse Ventura.  But I’m not going to rain on Detroit’s parade too much.  I’m rooting for them in the East.

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9) Cleveland Cavaliers – Any team relying on Andrew Bynum will fall short.

10) Milwaukee Bucks –  The Bucks made the playoffs last year with a losing record.  I’m almost positive it was on accident, because they ended up missing the lottery because of it.  The good news is, since Wisconsin is a football state, nobody will notice when they become the Seattle Supersonics.

11) Toronto Raptors – Basketball in Canada.  Need I say more?

12) Boston Celtics – Unlike the Lakers, the Celtics are used to dipping down into Awful Town for a few years.  They’ll get make it back eventually in ten years or so.

13) Charlotte Bobcats – The Minnesota Timberwolves won 22, 24 and 15 in the years that Al Jefferson played with us.  Why do the Bobcats think that Al Jefferson is their answer when they have an arguably worse team than we did?  Because they’re actually deceptively tanking to get Andrew Wiggins in the draft but don’t want to look like they’ve given up.  Well played, Charlotte.  Give me a call when you’re the Hornets again.

14) Orlando Magic – Hey, when I kept getting rejected for the prom I just stopped trying.  Take a hint, Orlando.  You’re screwed.

15) Philadelphia 76ers – I’m surprised the 76ers are even attempting to put basketball players in. I don’t recall a team giving up so completely as this one.  Two pizza dudes, my grandma and an unmanned kayak could beat this team.  Contender #1 for the “Riggin’ for Wiggins” sweepstakes.

That’s it for the Eastern Conference. Stay tuned for my predictions for the less depressing and infuriatingly tough Western Conference!