Earlier this week I made my totally well-researched Eastern Conference predictions. Today it’s time for the “it’s-not-freaking-fair-that-the-Timberwolves-are-in-this-stupid-tough-ass-conference-a-goddamn-glob-of-coconut-oil-could-make-the-Eastern-Conference-playoffs” Western Conference predictions:
1) Oklahoma City Thunder – Half of me thinks I’m an idiot for picking them #1. The other half thinks that there’s no way a team with a healthy and angry Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook combo can’t tear the league up regardless of who else is on the team. OKC is the USA of the Western Conference. Sure, stats and logic will tell you that they’re #4 or #5 realistically. But we all know they’re really #1. USA! USA! USA!
2) San Antonio Spurs – I’m still pissed that they didn’t win the title last year. These guys manage to somehow be injury-ridden, old and immortal all at the same time. Somewhere there’s a picture of Dorian Gray with Duncan, Ginobli and Parker scribbled into the corner. (There wasn’t room for David Robinson.)
3) Golden State Warriors – Everybody gives the Timberwolves shit for drafting Jonny Flynn instead of Steph Curry. Here’s the thing that people don’t know: Steph Curry is a Satanist. Yeah, he sacrifices baby goats for Satan. Look, I know this hasn’t gotten a lot of press, but it’s true. Sure, we could have drafted him and had the most exciting frontcourt in the league with Rubio/Curry, but then we would have had a practicing disciple of hell on our team. No thanks.
4) Los Angeles Clippers – Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see any of these top four teams in the Finals. But I picked the Clippers below Golden State for two very important reasons. 1) They’re the Clippers 2) I can’t stand those stupid Chris & Cliff Paul State Farm commercials. Really? You guys are “born to assist” and you become a fancy-pants basketball player and a freakin’ car insurance salesman? Look out Mother Theresa!
5) Houston Rockets – Nobody will ever win a championship with Dwight Howard.
6) Memphis Grizzlies – I want these guys to be higher, but the coach firing worries me. Their stadium is nicknamed the “Grindhouse” though, and that’s awesome. It makes me feel like Napalm Death and Anal C#$% are going to come out and vomit all over the opposing team at any moment. Is that just me?
7) Minnesota Timberwolves – Yeah, I’m a homer. But I feel like I’m being very fair with #7 here. Two years in a row we were on course to make the playoffs and then…injuries. This year, Chase Budinger is already hurt. But that’s a minor thing and he’ll be back shortly. So if things just stay the course, we can do this. Please God? Can we please make the playoffs? I forgot what it’s like to care about a basketball game after April. Please stop Satan’s minion, Steph Curry, and help us!
8) Dallas Mavericks – They won the championship in 2011, right? How can that be? That feels like a million years ago. They gambled their roster after the championship year to get Deron Williams and/or Dwight Howard and fell short on both. Instead, they got Monta Ellis. A guy who makes Brandon Jennings look like John Stockton. My favorite addition by far is Renaldo Balkman. How great is it that Renaldo Balkman is on the same team as the Mavs 2nd greatest player of all time, Rolando Blackman? That’s like the Bulls picking up a player called “Scobbie Pipplen.”
9) New Orleans Pelicans – I love that they’re Pelicans! Best Mascot ever! Give them a year or two to stretch their huge, disgusting wings and they’ll be a good team.
10) Denver Nuggets – I don’t even know who’s on this team anymore. Talk about the definition of imploding.
11) Portland Trailblazers – These guys might end up higher on this list than where I have them, but they traded us Martell Webster when they knew he was hurt. Screw them.
12) Sacramento Kings – It’s not a good sign when your best player has the mental maturity of 4th grader who’s been grounded from Xbox.
13) Los Angeles Lakers – I had a dream last night that the Lakers moved to San Diego. I’m no Miss Cleo but I think this is a prophecy. Maybe they aren’t moving down to “America’s Finest City,” but they’re definitely headed south in the wins department. Ding dong, the witch tore her achilles tendon!
14) Utah Jazz – Trey Burke is going to be the Damien Lillard of this year. Except he’ll be on one of the worst teams in the league. And he won’t be able to drink caffeine, smoke cigarrettes or have pre-marital sex with any of his nine girlfriends.
15) Phoenix Suns – Hey, they have twins on their team. That’s neat.
Predicted NBA champion – Miami Heat. It pains me to say it, but who’s going to stop them? At least the Lakers will suck.
The Timberwolves’ season opener is Wednesday, October 30th, at home against Orlando. Let’s go Wolves!