My hatred of the Los Angeles Lakers is well-documented.
To add insult to injury, the Minnesota Timberwolves previously had not beaten the Lakers since 2007, when gas cost a nickel a gallon and Bing Crosby ruled the pop charts. I say “previously” because THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, we finally beat the Lakers!
Here’s where the whiners come in. “Oh, oh, the Lakers are injured! Sob. Sob.” Really? Cry us a river about injuries there, Tammy Faye Bryant. Kobe is still recovering from an Achilles tendon injury and Steve Nash is having his face formaldehyde replenished. Two players. Whoopee. Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Josh Howard, Brandon Roy, Malcolm Lee, Andrei Kirilenko every other game, even our damn coach missed large stretches of time. I’m not even sure if Chase Budinger is a real person outside of rumor. It’s possible that he’s just a well-preserved corpse being carted around a la “Weekend At Bernies” for some kind of tax reasons.
So what happens when the T-Wolves are finally, unbelievably, free of injury? We stomp the Lakers’ asses, that’s what. Not only did we beat them by 23, we had 47 points in the first quarter. No, you didn’t read that wrong. No, that’s not the first half. The first QUARTER. It was three points off from being an NBA record. All five Minnesota starters had double digit points. Ricky Rubio had a triple double. It may have been the single most satisfying victory of my entire Timberwolves watching career. You could just see all the Lakers fans wondering how they’d look in Clippers’ red & blue. Poor, old Jack Nicholson probably goes to bed in his Lakers’ pajamas wondering if he’ll ever see the playoffs again.
I’ll give credit where credit is due, though. I was holed up in a hotel, watching the game through a shady internet feed and I must say I like Lakers’ TV announcers. Most “homer” announcers blindly hand-job their own team (Utah and Houston, I’m looking at you.) But the Lakers, as evil as they are, come from a winning environment. So there’s no way they can paint this season in a good light. Every time the Wolves would go up big and force an LA time-out, the announcers would just sigh and say “Well, we are not a good team.” Webster’s Dictionary defines “schadenfreude” as: a feeling of enjoyment that comes from seeing or hearing about the troubles of other people, or when the cocky-ass Lakers have a shitty-ass season.”
– The Timberwolves, barring a god-hates-us injury, are definitely going to the playoffs with this team.
– The Lakers will not make the playoffs, because Kobe doesn’t know how to play in moderation. He’s going to re-pop that crickety heel and that’s all she wrote. Steve Nash is finally going to collapse into a pile of dust and sugar-free Larabars. Welcome to the Nick Van Exel years 2.0.
Next up, the Wolves play the actually decent LA team – the Clippers at the Staples Center. Our games against the Clippers are always entertaining, either with close games or fights or both. Go Wolves! Nobody step on Ricky!