“Hey Mike Brody, that buzzer beater is from almost two years ago. Last night Kevin Love actually missed a point blank game-tying bunny at the buzzer. And we lost to the Clippers.”
See, that might seem true to you right now, but what you don’t realize is that I have a Minnesota Timberwolves time machine. I actually went back in time and physically replaced November 2013 Clippers game Kevin Love with January 2012 Clippers game-winning shot Kevin Love and replaced them for the last ten seconds. 2012 Love made the shot and we won. Then I swapped them back because 2012 Love wanted doughnuts.
While I was at it, I decided to go back further in the space/time vortex and create my own superteam, a la Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. It was a little awkward leaving Christian Laettner sitting there at the IDS Center Jamba Juice in 1994, but he made the Dream Team so screw that fratboy.
The All-Time Timberwolves team:
Starting PG: Ricky Rubio – “Change This Face…Be happy…Enjoy!” gets you on the all-time team.
Starting SG: Kevin Martin – Kevin is a brand new Wolf, but our second best shooting guard ever was Clyde Drexler, so it was an easy one.
Starting SF: Latrell Sprewell – Latrell helped take us to the 2004 WCF even though he couldn’t afford to feed his kids. How selfless!
Starting PF: Kevin Love – I also went into the future and just so you know, Kevin Love will retire a Timberwolf. In fact, he’ll be buried at 95 years old clutching his “I love Minnesota!” plateware set.
Starting C: Kevin Garnett – I know he was really a tall PF for us, but he played C for the Celtics too and can you just imagine the combo of Love and KG together? It’d be like pizza made out of money that is also your chauffeur.
Jonny Fynn – Just kidding.
Nikola Pekovic – He’s my all-time favorite Wolf, so I feel guilty about benching him. But KG, dude.
Sam Cassell – Alien-headed clutch machine.
Sam Mitchell – The blue-collar work horse! The very spirit of the Timberwolves!
Wally Gugliotta – I combined Wally Szczerbiak and Tom Gugliotta to conserve space. Meet the whitest player ever.
Tony Campbell – The OG.
JR Rider – The actual OG, even though the “Jailwolves” never really had a good ring to it.
Al Jefferson – Eh, why not?
Joe Smith – So he can pay us back all the money he owes us.
Pooh Richardson – His name is Pooh.
Troy Hudson – Just so he doesn’t have time to pursue his rap career.
Ballboy – Stephon Marbury
Ballboy’s assistant – David Kahn
Next up, we get revenge on the Cleveland Comic Sans. Go Wolves!