I know you don’t exist. When I was six “Santa” brought me an “Operation” board game for Christmas. My sister got “Hungry Hungry Hippos.” I was ecstatic. Then my dad suddenly popped up and exclaims “Santa made a mistake!” and switched the games between the two of us. I learned to love “Hungry Hungry Hippos” but I wasn’t stupid. I asked my dad that night if Santa was real and he said “Nope!” with the relief of a man who had to buy one less present from now on.
However, just like I can’t prove if existence or God or Alabama really exists, I can’t be 100% sure that you don’t either. Even if there’s a 000.1% chance, it’s worth a shot. So I’m covering all my bases and writing you a letter, as well as the Pope, Hillary Clinton and Dustin Diamond. Which one of you is the most powerful? I don’t know, but it’d sure suck to be outdone by Screech, wouldn’t it, Santa?
So please, please Santa…all I want for Christmas is for the Minnesota Timberwolves to make the NBA playoffs this year. I had hair the last time they did. And I’ve been bald for a really long time. Smartphones also didn’t exist. Cleveland was getting ready to win about ten championships in a row. For fuck’s sake, Hoobastank was still popular!
Yes, I’m aware that there are other things that I could wish for, like world peace or an end to starvation and disease. But we all know that’s not really your specialty anyway. I’ve seen Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. You’re kind of a dick. Your expertise is in pure capitalism and you don’t like highfalutin dentist elves.
So how about a deal? If you make sure the Timberwolves make the playoffs (and by extension make Kevin Love resign with us) you can have JJ Barea. He is elf sized and has no goals of being a dentist that I’m aware of. He’s also married to Miss Universe. Who knows? Maybe she could be the new Mrs. Claus once ol’ Jose takes a dive off a snow-cliff while looking for the Abominable Snowman?
Please think about it.
P.S. While you’re at it can you give Ricky Rubio a jump shot? And show Pek how to dunk? And teach Kevin Love defense? Also, please kick David Kahn in the face. And make Stephon Marbury believe he’s a hamster. Thanks!