This is Derrick Williams. You may remember me as the Timberwolves’ #2 pick in the 2011 draft, as well as being a generally confused and out of breath bench player.
A lot of people had high expectations for me because I was drafted so high, but I don’t think the circumstances were fair. Everybody knows the only two franchise players in that draft were Kyrie Irving and Chukwudiebere Maduabum. It’s not my fault! In a normal draft I would have been picked 27th by the Iowa Energy.
Minnesota, I can’t lie to you. I miss you. It’s really not been working out like I’d hoped in Sacramento. Jimmer farts a lot and DeMarcus Cousins punches me in the stomach every night so the bruises won’t show. Rudy Gay keeps making me buy him lunch and paying me back with Canadian Loonies. All of my paychecks have bounced. I’ve had to find temporary employment at Keep It Clean Carpet Tile & Upholstery on Sunrise and Ascot. Cleaning carpets is even more impossible than shooting a wide open layup without first double-pumping and then missing because of it!
Take me back, Minnesota. I have carpet cleaning experience and can get Alexey Shved’s sad, Russian tears off of a rug faster than the Wolves bench can put the team down by ten. I’ll be Crunch. Whatever you need!
I’m on a train home to Minneapolis right now. You don’t have to take me back, but if you feel like it I’ll be Hubert’s Bar & Grill signing autographs. But mostly serving drinks. See you soon!