Oh, Chicago Bulls fans. You’re the only fan-base that can truly grasp the pain that Minnesota has felt over the last couple years. Instead of time spent celebrating playoff berths, or in your case potential championships, it’s time spent checking the injured list, battling seasonal depression and setting your Thorazine dosage to “drool.” So in the spirit of Midwestern camaraderie, allow me to share a couple coping mechanisms and tips that I’ve learned from years spent supporting one of the most injured, disappointing and confused teams in league history:
Tip #1 – Lower your standards:
Yes, you have six championships with Michael Jordan. But the last time he wore a Chicago uniform The Prodigy was popular and the internet still looked like Pong. Greg Oden, a man who Rip Van Winkle would call rusty, is currently getting more minutes than your superstar heir, Derrick Rose. You guys are screwed. You have Brandon Roy 2.0. It sucks and I feel bad for you. But here’s the good news: We will take him off your hands, sign him for $10 million and get five games out of him before he retires again for good. The Minnesota Timberwolves front office is the garage-saler of the NBA.
Tip #2 – Get excited about marginal players:
When Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Chase Budinger or any one of our porcelain players (that’s not a white joke) got hurt, we had to force ourselves to be elated for random, lackluster signings. When we signed Mickaël Gelabale halfway through last season, I got super amped up. Not just because it allowed the rare opportunity to type an umlaut in a basketball situation, or because he looks super funny in hats, but because I GODDAMN HAD TO. Distract yourself, Chicago. Re-sign an elderly Bill Cartwright. Or go get Jud Buechler Jr. It doesn’t matter that he’s only 12. It’s about the memories!
Tip #3 – Find one person in the front office and blame them mercilessly:
Last year it was David Kahn, before that it was Kevin McHale. Right now Flip’s KG years are buying him some time, but tick-tock, motherfucker. All Minnesota Timberwolves fans hate our owner, Glen Taylor. He’s the root of all evil and a pariah for all sentient beings. He would draft a Dodge Omni hatchback over Michael Jordan and then piss the hatchback off for not paying it enough.
Tip #4 – Root against yourself:
Just for a year! Don’t get a new team, just support every team that plays against you. It’ll feel like winning. Besides, you know you’ve always wanted to boo Carlos Boozer.
Next up, the Timberwolves play the New Orleans Pelicans in Minneapolis. BOO TIMBERWOLVES!!! GO PELICANS! Let’s rub that unibrow all over everybody!