I can’t take this anymore.

All I have to say about the game is that the Phoenix Suns are disturbingly for real, Gerald Green makes Matt Barnes seem like a swell dude and new Suns coach Jeff Hornacek looks weird without his short-shorts on.

So, in honor of Jeff Hornacek (and my desperate need to distract my sadness,) I give to you the all-time All-NBA Short-Shorts Team:

HONORABLE MENTION:  Kevin McHale, Ralph Sampson, Kurt Rambis, Tom Chambers, Bill Walton, Mark Price, Manute Bol

"Quick! Squash that man with the spray-on beard's head between our thighs!" www.baconsports.com

“Quick! Squash the spray-on beard guy’s head between our thighs!” Photo from baconsports.com

“Hey, why does Manute Bol only get honorable mention?  Look at his leg-to-shorts ratio!”  True enough.  But he was 7’7″.  Those shorts actually were big enough cover a Cirque du Soleil tent.  They were short the way the Arctic Ocean is “small.”

6) SIXTH MAN – George Mikan

Back when the shoes were flat and the taints were gaping.  Photo from media.npr.org/news

Back when the shoes were flat and the taints were gaping. Photo from media.npr.org/news

To be fair, I’m pretty sure even trousers went up to your balls back then, but it doesn’t change the fact that Mikan was the first Nair Superstar.  And that’s for the MINNEAPOLIS Lakers, bitches. So just imagine how cold his ass (literally) was.

5) Isiah Thomas

Isiah accidentally wore his wrestling unitard to the game.  Photo from a.espncdn.com

Isiah accidentally wore his wrestling unitard to the game. Photo from a.espncdn.com

As evidenced by Jordan’s attire in this photo, we were solidly in the mid-level length shorts era.  But Zeke refused to go along with it.  His championships and shorts were products of the 80s and no amount of chafing would change that.

4) Clyde “The Glyde” Drexler

Isiah taking up-close fabric measurements while getting dunked on.  Photo from i.cdn.turner.com

Isiah taking up-close fabric measurements while getting dunked on. Photo from i.cdn.turner.com

Without question, Clyde Drexler is the most high-flying nut-flasher on this list.  He was like a speedy hot-air balloon, soaring over his opponents and displaying high-region thigh hair to all who dared try and stop him.

3) Magic Johnson & Larry Bird

The toughest of rivals and the (almost) shortest of shorts. Photo from media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

The toughest of rivals and the (almost) shortest of shorts. Photo from media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

It’s impossible to talk about Magic Johnson or Larry Bird without mentioning the other.  They were like Bennifer, except rivals.  Every single thing about them was different, besides their britches.  In that they whole-hardheartedly agreed: If it ain’t tight it ain’t right.  Notice how Magic’s are just a titch shorter, indicating that he won more championships.

2) Kelly Tripucka

Kelly Tripucka nuts shorts

There’s nothing that needs to be said about Kelly Tripucka that can’t be seen dangling from his somehow league-approved uniform.

1) John Stockton

The Michael Jordan of short shorts.  Photo from i.cdn.turner.com

The Michael Jordan of short shorts. Photo from i.cdn.turner.com

John Stockton is the undisputed king of short-shorts.  Look at those things.  Peter Dinklage would be swimming in them.  Not only did Stockton reign supreme in the 80s, when most players also kept it up-top and tight too, but he defiantly refused to adjust in the middle-length era and even into the below-the-knees Allen Iverson years.  He was like a folk artist who refused to plug in, or a parent who won’t text.  Stockton’s popularity remains high in Utah, where to-scale replicas of his shorts are used as elbow patches in his honor.

Next up the Wolves play the Bobcats, where we’ll either win by 30 or lose by one at the buzzer.  Go Wolves and stuff.

Did David Duke play for the Dallas Mavericks?  Photo from blacksportsonline.com

Did David Duke play for the Dallas Mavericks?  You should be concerned if you out-hillbilly Larry Bird.  Photo from blacksportsonline.com

Comments
  1. bblaw1 says:

    Thanks for the laugh, the wolves fans need it.

  2. José Eça de Queiroz says:

    Good thing I’m not the only one to have noticed that Green is an a-hole

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s