I can’t take this anymore.
All I have to say about the game is that the Phoenix Suns are disturbingly for real, Gerald Green makes Matt Barnes seem like a swell dude and new Suns coach Jeff Hornacek looks weird without his short-shorts on.
So, in honor of Jeff Hornacek (and my desperate need to distract my sadness,) I give to you the all-time All-NBA Short-Shorts Team:
HONORABLE MENTION: Kevin McHale, Ralph Sampson, Kurt Rambis, Tom Chambers, Bill Walton, Mark Price, Manute Bol
“Hey, why does Manute Bol only get honorable mention? Look at his leg-to-shorts ratio!” True enough. But he was 7’7″. Those shorts actually were big enough cover a Cirque du Soleil tent. They were short the way the Arctic Ocean is “small.”
6) SIXTH MAN – George Mikan
To be fair, I’m pretty sure even trousers went up to your balls back then, but it doesn’t change the fact that Mikan was the first Nair Superstar. And that’s for the MINNEAPOLIS Lakers, bitches. So just imagine how cold his ass (literally) was.
5) Isiah Thomas
As evidenced by Jordan’s attire in this photo, we were solidly in the mid-level length shorts era. But Zeke refused to go along with it. His championships and shorts were products of the 80s and no amount of chafing would change that.
4) Clyde “The Glyde” Drexler
Without question, Clyde Drexler is the most high-flying nut-flasher on this list. He was like a speedy hot-air balloon, soaring over his opponents and displaying high-region thigh hair to all who dared try and stop him.
3) Magic Johnson & Larry Bird
It’s impossible to talk about Magic Johnson or Larry Bird without mentioning the other. They were like Bennifer, except rivals. Every single thing about them was different, besides their britches. In that they whole-hardheartedly agreed: If it ain’t tight it ain’t right. Notice how Magic’s are just a titch shorter, indicating that he won more championships.
2) Kelly Tripucka
There’s nothing that needs to be said about Kelly Tripucka that can’t be seen dangling from his somehow league-approved uniform.
1) John Stockton
John Stockton is the undisputed king of short-shorts. Look at those things. Peter Dinklage would be swimming in them. Not only did Stockton reign supreme in the 80s, when most players also kept it up-top and tight too, but he defiantly refused to adjust in the middle-length era and even into the below-the-knees Allen Iverson years. He was like a folk artist who refused to plug in, or a parent who won’t text. Stockton’s popularity remains high in Utah, where to-scale replicas of his shorts are used as elbow patches in his honor.
Next up the Wolves play the Bobcats, where we’ll either win by 30 or lose by one at the buzzer. Go Wolves and stuff.