Nobody’s ever been so happy to be 1-11!
Before the recent 121-120 win at Golden State, the Timberwolves were 0-11 in games decided by four points or less. Imagine reaching into a box of donuts and eleven times in a row you accidentally grabbed dog poop. Why are you still trying? But then, boom! 12th time! We got that sweet, sweet Eclair. Party! (Don’t eat it, it’s been touching poop.)
I’m in Iowa this weekend, so I had to watch the game on NBA TV. While the “neutral” announcers didn’t come right out and say they were rooting for Golden State, they seemed a little perplexed that Minnesota exists as a state and a team. Here’s my impression of the NBA TV announcers during nearly every Minnesota possession:
“Ricky Rubio, who was drafted before Stephen Curry, brings the ball up the court. People say he’s good at dribbling but surely that’s only because he’s so bad at shooting, unlike Stephen Curry.”
“Future Laker Kevin Love gets the rebound. Imagine how many boards he’ll get when he’s in a real market!”
“Nikita Petrovich sure is big for someone who nobody cares about. Boy, he looks like the guy from Superman 2! I’m the first person to think of that!”
“It’s -10 in Minneapolis right now. Did you know it snowed there in May last year? How do people live anywhere but California? I heard they survive off of whale blubber and sleep inside of tauntuans like in “Empire Strikes Back”.
We get it, NBA. Glen Taylor shouldn’t have illegally signed Joe Smith. We’re sorry! We don’t like Taylor either. But it’s been almost 15 years! Stop making the refs screw us on every play, stop making the announcers talk like the state of Minnesota is gross like Indiana and stop making fun of “Grumpy Old Men” (and to a lesser extent: “Grumpier Old Men”.) I propose a deal: We will convince Taylor, through some sort of mind-control, that he’s better off selling the team to Prince and you let us get to the playoffs. We all remember the 2002 Kings/Lakers series. We know you can do it.
Next up, the Timberwolves take part in the only front-office rivalry in the world: Minnesota vs. Portland. Come for LeMarcus Alridge vs. Kevin Love, stay for the passive-aggressive billionaire mud-pit!