Archive for February, 2014

I’m depressed.

This season has sucked ass.  Two years ago sucked, but it was the beginning of hope.  A year ago sucked, but we hadn’t all played together yet.  This season just feels like time slipping away.  Next year Kevin Love can opt out after the season and what’s to keep him from doing it?

Well, there’s only one way for a true upper Midwesterner to combat depression that doesn’t involve a bathtub and a toaster: Pure, unadulterated passive-aggressive shit-talking.  Strap in, this one’s gonna get bitter.

My top ten least favorite NBA teams and why:

10) Boston Celtics – Last summer I read a comment from a Boston fan on a sports page that said “It’s going to be really hard to see Kevin Garnett playing in a different jersey.”  Oh really, Boston?  We had him for 12 versus your six.  Cry us a goddamn river.  Then freeze it, cut a hole in it, stick your head in it and get kicked in your drunk, freckly ass.

9) Indiana Pacers – I’ll admit, this has more to do with the actual state than this team.  The team itself is impressively put together and has a shot at the championship this year.  But the state is full of peach-fuzz mustachioed racists, unnecessary toll-booths and enthusiastic inbreeding.  This is the state that brought us the town of Gary.  Have you ever seen the movie “Hoosiers”?  That movie is actually set in 2014 Indiana.

8) Washington Wizards – This is the Island Of Misfits Toys for basketball players if you added guns and made all the toys completely unlikeable.  The only bright spot is that my friend John Conroy is a Wizards fan for some reason and was in this Gilbert Arenas commercial.

7) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, you could watch two NBA teams regularly: The Chicago Bulls on WGN or the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.  The choice was obvious: The greatest team/player ever or the soul-sucking echo chamber that was the Omni Center.  I’m pretty sure Dominique Wilkins played his entire prime in front of four bribed fans who may have actually been the janitors.

6) Miami Heat – The trust-fund kids of the NBA. I’ve never met a current Miami Heat fan who knows who Willie Burton or Bimbo Coles is.  I miss the days when the thought of Miami brought up images of Gloria Estefan or killing a hooker and taking your money back on “Grand Theft Auto – Vice City.”

5) Houston Rockets – ARGH!  Nothing pisses me off more than a team that takes like one year to rebuild!  You’re supposed to do it like us: lose the 2004 Western Conference Finals, eventually trade your superstar for peanuts, suck for ten years, start to show glimmers of hope and then potentially lose your new superstar to a forced trade/free agency.  Repeat.  Also, their jerseys are McDonald’s uniforms.

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jersey. Photo from foodrepublic.com

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jerseys. Photo from foodrepublic.com

4) Bill Simmons Yeah, he’s not a team but he’s such a piece of shit that I had to include him.  I used to like Boston until this elitist prick homer started blabbering about.  He sucks on-air and the only time he’ll write now is about how great the fucking Eagles are.  The Eagles are the Indiana of music!  And the ONLY time he mentions Minnesota is to talk massive shit for no real reason that I can discern other than that it’s cold here.  I’d rather have a frozen lake than three million Marky Marks, dickweed.

GIF from img.gawkerassets.com

3) Utah Jazz – Worst. Announcers. Ever.  There are homers and then there are the douchebag Jazz announcers.  I remember watching an inconsequential game a few years back and Paul Millsap (who is now an Atlanta Hawk) had a decent game.  The announcers preened and swooned about him and gushed that “Paul Millsap should bronze the ball to remember this game forever!”  Bronze MY balls, and put them on your face.  I hope you enjoyed the 90s, Utah, because Malone-Stockton will never happen again.

2) Portland Trailblazers – The Blazers are our arch-nemesis.  Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “That dude definitely roofies people.”  That’s Portland.

1) Los Angeles Lakers –

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

And the big Kevin Love better not go to LA Exhibit C

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.  Maybe they’ll remember they’re supposed to be the Sixers this year and we’ll win!

Paul George attempts to dunk over Ronny "The Happiest Journeyman Ever" Turiaf.  Photo by Mike Brody.

Paul George attempts to dunk over Ronny “The Happiest Journeyman Ever” Turiaf. Photo by Mike Brody.

Boy, how a few years can make a difference.

The last time I went to a Pacers-Timberwolves game in Minneapolis the place was so empty, I could have walked to half-court and asked to play.  I think half the people there were accidentally there for a Rod Stewart concert.  We lost.  This time around, the Pacers are arguably the best team in the league, the place was mostly full, and we won!  And most people cared!  (Except the two girls next to us who were there for a Rod Stewart concert.)

I love going to see the games live, because you notice things that you don’t on TV.  Such as:

– Corey Brewer starts leaking out for the outlet pass almost immediately.  It’s crazy to see in person because the camera is usually still on the players near the ball.  Most players practice free throws or three pointers.  I think Brewer just practices his lizard run.

Corey Brewer leaks out for another fast break. Photo from National Georgraphic.

Corey Brewer leaks out for another fast break. Photo from National Georgraphic.

– Without announcers, it’s easy to not notice everything that Kevin Love does.  I knew he had a good game, but I was shocked when I realized he had 42 points and 16 rebounds.  It’s productive and dull at the same time.  He’s like watching a really bland vanilla machine make more vanilla than anybody’s ever made.

– Conversely, Lance Stephenson is a freaking maniac. The man is all over the place.  He’s Indiana’s JJ Barea. Dribbling side-to-side, yelling, complaining, flopping around.  At one point I think he set up an omelet bar on court.  The dude is all bravado and NYC swag and I’m not sure if he’s the next superstar or the worst player in the league. He had ten points.

– Ricky Rubio tied the franchise record with 17 assists last night.  He also got hit on the top of his noggin and I swear every woman in the audience’s mother/girlfriend impulse kicked in immediately.  Women were instinctively reaching for band aids and looking for blankets to swaddle Ricky in.  That man is so adorable.  He’s like a Spanish baby who likes to share.

– Crunch is a pimp.

Photo by Mike Brody

Crunch and the Rod Stewart girls. Photo by Mike Brody

Next up, we play the Jazz in Utah.  Okay, Utah, you don’t like us and we don’t like you.  But you’re tanking and we’re trying to make the playoffs.  So how’s-about you lose and we win and we’ll both celebrate over RC Cola or whatever soda company the Mormon church bought even though they’re not supposed to drink caffeine so they changed the rule to HOT caffeine.  Phew!

Go Wolves!

LAKERS

Watching the 2014 Lakers is like watching a 2014 Smashing Pumpkins concert: I think I recognize one of them.

Welcome to the slow decline that is the Los Angeles Lakers.  This is a team with an aging, injured superstar with a Halliburton-sized contract, a clueless owner and an inept coach.  If the Kobe Bryant golden years are the Beatles, then this team is Wings without Paul McCartney.

So really, who are these people?  Let’s take a look at each player individually and get a good background on what they’re all about:

1) Kobe Bryant – Obviously we all know this man.  He’s a legend.  He’s also the kind of guy that would shoot you in the leg so the zombies would get you first, even though you’re at Disney World and there’s no such thing as zombies.  Luckily, he’s ending all of the Jordan-Kobe debate on his own, because Jordan was never a draining emotional and financial burden on his team for the last five years of his career.  The Lakers are screwed.  Thanks Kobe!

2) Pau Gasol – Poor Pau.  He doesn’t get any respect.  Even though without him, the Lakers wouldn’t have two of those 11 championships. (Sorry, I don’t count the five that were actually won by the MINNEAPOLIS LAKERS.)  On the plus side, living in LA has afforded him considerable acting opportunities:

Pau Gasol's cameo in "The Dark Crystal."  Photo from boards.soapoperanetwork.com

Pau Gasol’s cameo in “The Dark Crystal.” Photo from boards.soapoperanetwork.com

3) Steve Nash – Steve Nash is a Los Angeles Laker the way that a taxidermied buck head is a deer.  Only technically and partially.  Robocop has more human parts than him.

4) Nick Young – Admittedly, he is the best of the new crop of Lakers.  However, to quote a Doug Stanhope line: “That’s like being the prettiest waitress at Denny’s.”

5) Steve Blake – He has a wicked long-range shot, but it still doesn’t convince me that he’s not a NARC.  He’s got a real Donnie Brasco vibe to him.  Does anybody actually know where he came from?  $50 says he’s wearing a wire.

6) Chris Kaman – Seriously?  What year is this?

7) Jodie Meeks – I love his name.  It’s the most passive thing ever.  “Um hi, I’m Jodie Meeks.  Some people call me Linda Wishy-Washy.  Yeah, go ahead and take my seat.”

8) Jordan Hill – NBA players with dreads always creep me out.  They look like Wet Willy doing laps.

Photo from roadsideresort.com

Photo from roadsideresort.com

9) Manny Harris – Look at this man’s eyes.  That’s the look of a dude who thought he was signing up to play kickball with eight-year-olds.

Photo from a.espncdn.com

“Please don’t play me.” Photo from a.espncdn.com

10) Ryan Kelly – Fuck Duke.

11) Robert Sacre – Never trust a Canadian who looks like he was in Suicidal Tendencies.

12) Xavier Henry –  I loved him in “Singles“.

13) Jordan Farmar – Even Jordan Farmar doesn’t care about Jordan Farmar.  The only thing interesting about him is how he managed to fasten two potato skins to his head and people still believe they’re ears.

"I'm smiling because the chives and sour cream is tickling my brain." Photo from blacksportsonline.com

“I’m smiling because the chives and sour cream are tickling my brain.” Photo from blacksportsonline.com

14) Kendall Marshall – “Excuse me, my son and I have third row seats and we found a jersey on my chair.  What? I won the free roster spot giveaway?  No way!  Can my son play too?  YES?!  Come on, son!”

15) Wesley Johnson – “Yay!  We won a spot, Dad!”

Next up, we play OKC on the road.  I started my own Timberwolves Twitter account so I can live-tweet the games and talk massive shit.  Join me tonight at 7pm central at @TWolvesFanBlog!

Go Wolves!