This season has sucked ass. Two years ago sucked, but it was the beginning of hope. A year ago sucked, but we hadn’t all played together yet. This season just feels like time slipping away. Next year Kevin Love can opt out after the season and what’s to keep him from doing it?
Well, there’s only one way for a true upper Midwesterner to combat depression that doesn’t involve a bathtub and a toaster: Pure, unadulterated passive-aggressive shit-talking. Strap in, this one’s gonna get bitter.
My top ten least favorite NBA teams and why:
10) Boston Celtics – Last summer I read a comment from a Boston fan on a sports page that said “It’s going to be really hard to see Kevin Garnett playing in a different jersey.” Oh really, Boston? We had him for 12 versus your six. Cry us a goddamn river. Then freeze it, cut a hole in it, stick your head in it and get kicked in your drunk, freckly ass.
9) Indiana Pacers – I’ll admit, this has more to do with the actual state than this team. The team itself is impressively put together and has a shot at the championship this year. But the state is full of peach-fuzz mustachioed racists, unnecessary toll-booths and enthusiastic inbreeding. This is the state that brought us the town of Gary. Have you ever seen the movie “Hoosiers”? That movie is actually set in 2014 Indiana.
8) Washington Wizards – This is the Island Of Misfits Toys for basketball players if you added guns and made all the toys completely unlikeable. The only bright spot is that my friend John Conroy is a Wizards fan for some reason and was in this Gilbert Arenas commercial.
7) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, you could watch two NBA teams regularly: The Chicago Bulls on WGN or the Atlanta Hawks on TBS. The choice was obvious: The greatest team/player ever or the soul-sucking echo chamber that was the Omni Center. I’m pretty sure Dominique Wilkins played his entire prime in front of four bribed fans who may have actually been the janitors.
6) Miami Heat – The trust-fund kids of the NBA. I’ve never met a current Miami Heat fan who knows who Willie Burton or Bimbo Coles is. I miss the days when the thought of Miami brought up images of Gloria Estefan or killing a hooker and taking your money back on “Grand Theft Auto – Vice City.”
5) Houston Rockets – ARGH! Nothing pisses me off more than a team that takes like one year to rebuild! You’re supposed to do it like us: lose the 2004 Western Conference Finals, eventually trade your superstar for peanuts, suck for ten years, start to show glimmers of hope and then potentially lose your new superstar to a forced trade/free agency. Repeat. Also, their jerseys are McDonald’s uniforms.
4) Bill Simmons – Yeah, he’s not a team but he’s such a piece of shit that I had to include him. I used to like Boston until this elitist prick homer started blabbering about. He sucks on-air and the only time he’ll write now is about how great the fucking Eagles are. The Eagles are the Indiana of music! And the ONLY time he mentions Minnesota is to talk massive shit for no real reason that I can discern other than that it’s cold here. I’d rather have a frozen lake than three million Marky Marks, dickweed.
3) Utah Jazz – Worst. Announcers. Ever. There are homers and then there are the douchebag Jazz announcers. I remember watching an inconsequential game a few years back and Paul Millsap (who is now an Atlanta Hawk) had a decent game. The announcers preened and swooned about him and gushed that “Paul Millsap should bronze the ball to remember this game forever!” Bronze MY balls, and put them on your face. I hope you enjoyed the 90s, Utah, because Malone-Stockton will never happen again.
2) Portland Trailblazers – The Blazers are our arch-nemesis. Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “That dude definitely roofies people.” That’s Portland.
1) Los Angeles Lakers –
Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix. Maybe they’ll remember they’re supposed to be the Sixers this year and we’ll win!