Watching the 2014 Lakers is like watching a 2014 Smashing Pumpkins concert: I think I recognize one of them.
Welcome to the slow decline that is the Los Angeles Lakers. This is a team with an aging, injured superstar with a Halliburton-sized contract, a clueless owner and an inept coach. If the Kobe Bryant golden years are the Beatles, then this team is Wings without Paul McCartney.
So really, who are these people? Let’s take a look at each player individually and get a good background on what they’re all about:
1) Kobe Bryant – Obviously we all know this man. He’s a legend. He’s also the kind of guy that would shoot you in the leg so the zombies would get you first, even though you’re at Disney World and there’s no such thing as zombies. Luckily, he’s ending all of the Jordan-Kobe debate on his own, because Jordan was never a draining emotional and financial burden on his team for the last five years of his career. The Lakers are screwed. Thanks Kobe!
2) Pau Gasol – Poor Pau. He doesn’t get any respect. Even though without him, the Lakers wouldn’t have two of those 11 championships. (Sorry, I don’t count the five that were actually won by the MINNEAPOLIS LAKERS.) On the plus side, living in LA has afforded him considerable acting opportunities:
3) Steve Nash – Steve Nash is a Los Angeles Laker the way that a taxidermied buck head is a deer. Only technically and partially. Robocop has more human parts than him.
4) Nick Young – Admittedly, he is the best of the new crop of Lakers. However, to quote a Doug Stanhope line: “That’s like being the prettiest waitress at Denny’s.”
5) Steve Blake – He has a wicked long-range shot, but it still doesn’t convince me that he’s not a NARC. He’s got a real Donnie Brasco vibe to him. Does anybody actually know where he came from? $50 says he’s wearing a wire.
6) Chris Kaman – Seriously? What year is this?
7) Jodie Meeks – I love his name. It’s the most passive thing ever. “Um hi, I’m Jodie Meeks. Some people call me Linda Wishy-Washy. Yeah, go ahead and take my seat.”
8) Jordan Hill – NBA players with dreads always creep me out. They look like Wet Willy doing laps.
9) Manny Harris – Look at this man’s eyes. That’s the look of a dude who thought he was signing up to play kickball with eight-year-olds.
10) Ryan Kelly – Fuck Duke.
11) Robert Sacre – Never trust a Canadian who looks like he was in Suicidal Tendencies.
12) Xavier Henry – I loved him in “Singles“.
13) Jordan Farmar – Even Jordan Farmar doesn’t care about Jordan Farmar. The only thing interesting about him is how he managed to fasten two potato skins to his head and people still believe they’re ears.
14) Kendall Marshall – “Excuse me, my son and I have third row seats and we found a jersey on my chair. What? I won the free roster spot giveaway? No way! Can my son play too? YES?! Come on, son!”
15) Wesley Johnson – “Yay! We won a spot, Dad!”
Next up, we play OKC on the road. I started my own Timberwolves Twitter account so I can live-tweet the games and talk massive shit. Join me tonight at 7pm central at @TWolvesFanBlog!