There a few NBA franchises that I consider kindred spirits. I don’t root for these teams, but I feel their pain completely because their mismanagement, hopelessness and dumbassery feel oh so familiar to me. It’s the exact opposite of the Lakers optimism/hubris that says “Of course we’ll be contenders next year.” It’s the Milwaukee Bucks’ “Did you know we have a team?” vibe. The Bobcats/Pistons “Oh shit, an NBA legend is running us into the ground and nobody can get rid of him” vibe. The Clippers’ “Just give it four or five years and we’ll be the old Clippers again and nobody will care except Billy Crystal” vibe. It’s the New York Knicks in general.
I’m talking about Donald Sterling, Joe Dumars, Michael Jordan, Jerry Dolan and whoever the hell is running the Milwaukee Bucks/future Supersonics right now. (It’s rumored that David Kahn wants to buy the Bucks. Don’t let it happen, Milwaukee! Protest! Riot! Put up a camouflage shield so he can’t find your town. He’s dumb, it’ll work! Being last place in the league is preferable to being last place for the foreseeable future with him.)
As a Timberwolves fan who’s had to live through David Kahn, Flip Saunders and any other bumbling brain-dead Dodo bird with a clipboard that Glen Taylor hires, I understand. It’s not our fault! We’re just the fans, with no say in the decisions, but we suffer just the same. Minnesota didn’t deserve a guy who drafted three point guards in the first round and still missed the good one. Detroit didn’t deserve Josh Smith, the abandoned skyscraper of basketball players. Get this: The Knicks acquired Andrea Bargnani on purpose! I worked at Jimmy John’s in my 30s and even I’m put together enough to know that’s a bad idea.
So what to do? We can sit here and let these numbskulls ruin the vicarious joy that we feel from other people accomplishing things, or we can put a stop to it. You know how they elect sheriffs even though nobody seems to know why? We need to do that with our owners and front office. It’s election time, bitches. Better start earning your jobs!
“What’s that, Mr. Kahn? You’re thinking about signing Darko Milicic to a four-year 20 million dollar deal? I don’t think that’s a good idea. Midterm elections are coming up and Fancy Ray McCloney is rising in the polls. He’s promised to sign Prince and make the players’ jerseys out of crushed velvet.”
Tonight we play our brothers in ineptitude, The New York Knicks. Actually, I don’t want to admit it, but we’re 6-1 in the last seven games and five of our next six games are at home against losing teams. The one away game is against the Boobcats. I am not going to get optimistic, because every time I do, we lose. So I’ll just leave you with something Fancy: