Let’s face it, the Timberwolves aren’t making the playoffs. It’s still technically possible, but there’d have to be some kind of Gorgui Dieng/Robbie Hummel Space Jam Monstar transformation and then we’d probably have to pay Bugs Bunny somehow, so screw it. I’m past all these playoff pipe dreams. Here’s the five things I’d actually like to happen the remainder of this season:
1) Stay where we are in the seeds: We traded a draft pick to the Phoenix Suns that is Top 13 protected. In other words, if we do better and pass Phoenix, we lose our pick. I’d still like to end with a winning record, so I don’t think we should tank the rest of the games. What’s the term for just hanging around? Floating? Someone call up Oliver Miller and get his doughy, buoy ass back on the team. Float City! (Bonus wish: Andrew Wiggins falls to #13 and cultivates a weird lutefisk obsession, keeping him in Minnesota forever.)
2) More Shabazz: I never thought I’d say this, but I like him. Yeah, he’s got weird acne and I’m not entirely sure he’s ever passed the ball on purpose, but the dude’s got spirit. All it took was 50 games of DNPs and countless hours of Rick Adelman staring him down with his beady coach eyes. But he’s already better than Derrick Williams. Plus, if Kevin Love leaves, our future starting line-up could conceivably have a killer boy band name line-up: Ricky, Robbie, Gorgui, Nikky and Shabazz. They could be called “Knot 2 Shabby.” Okay, I’m not exactly Lou Pearlman. Fuck off.
3) Less JJ: Notice that I didn’t include JJ in the boy band even though he’s 5’3″ and his name just screams silk shirt? THAT’S BECAUSE I HATE HIM! I’m sorry, we all thought he was great on the 2011 Mavericks, but this dude has outworn his welcome. Here’s a tip: Don’t spend as much time in the paint as Hakeem Olajuwon if you’re the size of a waterbug.
4) Pekovic toughens up Budinger: I love Chase, but he’s seemed kind of timid for most of the season, even for an albino snow angel. Is it too much to ask for Big Pek to take him back to Montenegro and teach him how to be a man, Eastern European style? They can skip the track suits and chains. Just don’t bring him back until he looks like this:
5) Everyone, watch Kevin Love run: This is kind of a weird wish, but next time you watch a Timberwolves game, watch K-Love move up the court. He runs like a Choo-choo train.
Next up, we play the Mavericks at home. Think they’ll take JJ back? I bet we can slip him into Dirk’s shoes without anybody noticing.