If you think about it, it’s perfect. It’s a losing record, but just the bare minimum of losing without winning. We’re the best of the worst. The Biggest Loser. Professional NIT. We’re Mott The Hoople to the playoffs’ David Bowie. We’re the goddamn Timberwolves.
I went to the game last night and had fourth row seats. I’ll probably never get to see a game that close again and it allowed me to notice a few things that you wouldn’t in the cheap seats:
1) The crowd got loud as hell last night. True, we were asleep for the beginning of the game, but I swear it picked up the minute the announcer mentioned that Kevin Love was the first player in NBA history with 2,000 points, 900 rebounds and 100 3-pointers in a single season. Then it got crazy loud once we went on a good tear in the second half. Then, it got to rabid dog pissed off when Ricky Rubio was clearly shoved to the ground with no call. You can call us “Minnesota Nice” all you want, but they must have imported some brainwashed, coked up Boston/New Yorkers for this game, because shit got super un-nice.
2) The Utah Jazz have a dude who is 8’9″ tall and his name is Go-Gurt. He is officially listed as 7’1″, but there’s no way. Seeing him that close up was simply shocking. Utah has a long history (beginning with Mark Eaton and stretching to Enes Kanter) of developing long, gross Gumby men, but this guy takes the cake. This dude made Manute Bol look like Manute Bol with no legs. He made Mugsy Bogues look like Shawn Bradley. That doesn’t even make any sense, but that’s how disconcerting his height was. That dude could tickle Karl Malone’s knees from across the court. His arms are so long he could punch John Stockton back in 1983 when he played for Gonzaga. He’s got Go Go Go-Gurt arms and he looks like Herman Munster with Marfans. Hide your children.
3) Ricky Rubio has a wicked right arm. It was Fan Appreciation Night and immediately after the game, the Wolves players (not including Kevin Love – who I love, but is the King of Crying) took to the court to toss Timberwolves t-shirts into the audience. I caught three! The first was an arching Hail Mary from Pekovic. The second was from an unknown source who I like to think was Kevin Garnett. And the third was from Rubio. I wasn’t looking in his direction and when it struck me it literally hit me full-speed on the heart. It hurt so bad I got a headache. I now have empathy for poor Darko Milicic dropping Ricky’s passes and having them bounce off his rectum or anywhere else except his hands. Ricky could throw a pass to the moon that’s being guarded by the sun and four flying Bigfoots and still nail the Sea of Tranquility and no one would see it coming. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go nurse my collapsed sternum.
That’s it for the 2013-2014 season. We have a full off-season of crying and “Why? WHY? WHY?!”s to recoup and then begins Season 2014-2015, otherwise known as: “The Year Of Awkwardly and Pathetically Begging Kevin Love to Stay.” Maybe if we all lost some weight and started dressing sexier?
I’ll still check in from time to time for the playoffs and any trade/draft related drama. Until then, it’s time to unemotionally watch some OTHER teams fail for a change.