Sweet Jesus, Hallelujah! We beat the Heat! Best game ever!
Wow. We just beat arguably the best team in the league on the road in double overtime. How are we not making the playoffs? Seriously, screw the East. We would be the third best team in that conference. The East should be allowed to put two teams in the playoffs: Miami, Indiana and maybe the Knicks purely for comedic train-wreck effect. Just put in Carmelo Anthony, JR Smith and some manatees in Knicks uniforms. Would anybody even notice the difference? “Man, Raymond Felton looks like he really lost some weight!”
By the way, how bought and sold are the refs in Miami’s favor? The Heat got away with murder all game against us. They got ticky-tack fouls called their way all night and had about 400 no-calls when they uncle-molested us in various fashion over and over. At one point LeBron James plowed over Ricky Rubio so hard that I’m pretty sure a small panda in Spain died. (Did I tell you that Ricky has a split soul with a fuzzy panda in Barcelona? How else do you explain him?) After the game, Heat Coach Erik Spoelstra had the audacity to question the last second call that was FINALLY in the Wolves favor. Are you kidding me?! That’s like the rich kid frat boy who gets pissed because only 99% of the party gave him blowjobs.
Well, this one feels good. (That wasn’t a blowjob reference.) If we’re not making the playoffs, we can at least get moral victories and spoil some seeds. This was a hugely important game for Miami for Eastern Conference seeding purposes and we mucked it up for them. “The Heat didn’t have Dwyane Wade!” Oh, boo-hoo. We didn’t have Nikola Pekovic and Kevin Martin. Besides, do people really think that Dwyane Wade is a factor anymore? That dude may be 32, but he’s got the body of a paper-mache Abe Vigoda. If he bumped into Greg Oden the floor would get sprayed with tendons and ACLs and that weird grey packaging filler you find inside of UPS envelopes. Holographic 2pac is sturdier.
It feels like we just won a playoff game. It feels like a game where, no matter how we end up, or if Kevin Love leaves, or if we get the top two draft picks and take Ren & Stimpy, we can still look back and smile upon this moment. Maybe that’s a loser mentality, but in a decade full of David Kahn, Jonny Flynn, Troy Hudson rap albums and Michael Beasley spilling his bong water on everybody’s grandma, we’ll take it.
Next up, we play the Orlando Magic in Disneytown. They are fucking awful, so of course they’ll beat us.