The NBA Draft will be held on June 26 and while it’s widely considered the deepest draft in ten years, there are still many question marks about who will go where and in what order. I’m here to help.
Here are the top 14 picks and (with 100% certainty) the way the picks will go:
#1) Cleveland Cavaliers – Joel Embiid, C, Kansas
As a Minnesota Timberwolves fan I can’t talk too much trash about bad drafting, but holy cow did they crap the bed last year. Anthony Bennett is the fifth #1 pick since 1988 to not make the All-Rookie team (the others: Peanut brittle tough Elijah Price clones Greg Oden and Danny Manning as well as flat-out flops “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison and Kwame “Jordan’s Bitch” Brown.) Even Michael Olowokandi made the All-Rookie 2nd team! My prediction: The Cavs, being stupid and superstitious, will freak out about drafting two Canadians in a row and pass on Andrew Wiggins, taking Embiid. Or they trade the pick altogether and swap it for Kevin Love. Either way, they’ll still be the Cavs.
#2) Milwaukee Bucks – Andrew Wiggins, SF/SG, Kansas
Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated! So Wisconsin isn’t exactly a sexy destination for Andrew Wiggins. But did you see the owner’s daughter at the draft!? Oshkosh B’gosh! If I were Milwaukee, I’d dowry up that chick to Andrew faster than a Laverne & Shirley assembly line. Riggin’ for Wiggins indeed! Besides, I saw creepy-ass Nate Wolters making moves on her, so you better lock that shit down!
#3) Philadelphia 76ers – Jabari Parker, SF, Duke
Whoever gets picked here better be good, because Dr. J looked like he wanted to strangle the world with Earl The Pearl’s neck chain.
#4) Orlando Magic – Dante Exum, PG/SG, Australia
How do we know this guy is even any good? Has anyone ever seen Australia basketball before? For all we know he punts wallabies into baskets of Vegemite stacked on-top of prison colony watchtowers. “Aye mate, that’s Australian rules basketball! Now take the zip-line koala to the Outback before the didgeridoo buzzer goes off! AC/DC!”
#5) Utah Jazz – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana-Lafayette
Honestly, most mock drafts didn’t have this guy going higher than #29, but there’s nothing Utah loves more than a person with a stupid name. And since Dante Exum is gone and there’s nobody in the draft named Wealtho McRomney, then Elfrid it is! Sorry, Kristaps Porzingis. You were so close. (Real pick: Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana)
#6) Boston Celtics – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky
I checked. Julius Randle has no prior record of cocaine use. Go for it, Boston!
#7) Los Angeles Lakers – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma State
Jack Nicholson’s started going to Clippers’ games. Better make it a good one, LA. Tick-tock, bitches.
#8) Sacramento Kings – Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona
I appreciate any team that makes my Timberwolves seem any less depressing. When the brightest spot in a decade is that your team didn’t literally pack up and move to another town, you are possibly in trouble. But yeah, I’m sure drafting a dude named Aaron will fix everything.
#9) Charlotte Hornets – White guy
#10) Philadelphia 76ers – White guy
#11) Denver Nuggets – James Young, SF/SG, Kentucky
I spent some time in Colorado recently and it’s impossible to breathe there. I can’t believe that it’s legal for a team in the mountains to have a home game. God help the league if they ever draft a Kenyan. James Young sounds pretty American, so it’s cool for now.
#12) Orlando Magic – Rodney Hood, SF, Duke
Am I the only person who thinks that Rodney Hood sounds like Robin Hood’s lousy younger brother that went to Duke? “Hi, I’m Rodney Hood. I steal from the rich and give to Christian Laettner. He’s very lonely.”
#13) Minnesota Timberwolves – Nik Stauskas, SG, Michigan
Hey Kevin Love! Unpack your bags! Nik Stauskas is coming! *self-inflicted gunshot*
#14) Phoenix Suns – Jusuf Nurkic, C, Bosnia
LESSON #1 for Jusuf Nurkic in the NBA. YOU MUST WEAR PANTS!!! A basketball is not enough to cover your junk!
So those are my picks. If the 14 lottery teams just take my advice and pick exactly like I say, none of them will ever be in the draft ever again. You’re welcome, NBA.