Archive for May, 2014

Photo from

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The NBA Draft will be held on June 26 and while it’s widely considered the deepest draft in ten years, there are still many question marks about who will go where and in what order.  I’m here to help.

Here are the top 14 picks and (with 100% certainty) the way the picks will go:

#1) Cleveland Cavaliers – Joel Embiid, C, Kansas

As a Minnesota Timberwolves fan I can’t talk too much trash about bad drafting, but holy cow did they crap the bed last year. Anthony Bennett is the fifth #1 pick since 1988 to not make the All-Rookie team (the others: Peanut brittle tough Elijah Price clones Greg Oden and Danny Manning as well as flat-out flops “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison and Kwame “Jordan’s Bitch” Brown.) Even Michael Olowokandi made the All-Rookie 2nd team!  My prediction: The Cavs, being stupid and superstitious, will freak out about drafting two Canadians in a row and pass on Andrew Wiggins, taking Embiid.  Or they trade the pick altogether and swap it for Kevin Love.  Either way, they’ll still be the Cavs. 

#2) Milwaukee Bucks – Andrew Wiggins, SF/SG, Kansas

Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated! So Wisconsin isn’t exactly a sexy destination for Andrew Wiggins.  But did you see the owner’s daughter at the draft!? Oshkosh B’gosh!  If I were Milwaukee, I’d dowry up that chick to Andrew faster than a Laverne & Shirley assembly line.  Riggin’ for Wiggins indeed!  Besides, I saw creepy-ass Nate Wolters making moves on her, so you better lock that shit down!

"Oh hi Mallory, I was wondering if you wanted to look at my antique turtle shell collection? It's quite sensual." Photo from

“Oh hi Mallory, this is the face I make when I’m in my human-sized turtle shell. Wanna race?” Photo from

#3) Philadelphia 76ers – Jabari Parker, SF, Duke

Whoever gets picked here better be good, because Dr. J looked like he wanted to strangle the world with Earl The Pearl’s neck chain.

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from

#4) Orlando Magic – Dante Exum, PG/SG, Australia

How do we know this guy is even any good?  Has anyone ever seen Australia basketball before?  For all we know he punts wallabies into baskets of Vegemite stacked on-top of prison colony watchtowers. “Aye mate, that’s Australian rules basketball!  Now take the zip-line koala to the Outback before the didgeridoo buzzer goes off! AC/DC!”

#5) Utah Jazz – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana-Lafayette

Honestly, most mock drafts didn’t have this guy going higher than #29, but there’s nothing Utah loves more than a person with a stupid name.  And since Dante Exum is gone and there’s nobody in the draft named Wealtho McRomney, then Elfrid it is!  Sorry, Kristaps Porzingis.  You were so close. (Real pick: Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana)

#6) Boston Celtics – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky

I checked.  Julius Randle has no prior record of cocaine use.  Go for it, Boston!

#7) Los Angeles Lakers – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma State

Jack Nicholson’s started going to Clippers’ games.  Better make it a good one, LA.  Tick-tock, bitches.

#8) Sacramento Kings – Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona

I appreciate any team that makes my Timberwolves seem any less depressing. When the brightest spot in a decade is that your team didn’t literally pack up and move to another town, you are possibly in trouble.  But yeah, I’m sure drafting a dude named Aaron will fix everything.

#9) Charlotte Hornets – White guy

#10) Philadelphia 76ers – White guy

#11) Denver Nuggets – James Young, SF/SG, Kentucky

I spent some time in Colorado recently and it’s impossible to breathe there.  I can’t believe that it’s legal for a team in the mountains to have a home game.  God help the league if they ever draft a Kenyan.  James Young sounds pretty American, so it’s cool for now.

#12) Orlando Magic – Rodney Hood, SF, Duke

Am I the only person who thinks that Rodney Hood sounds like Robin Hood’s lousy younger brother that went to Duke?  “Hi, I’m Rodney Hood.  I steal from the rich and give to Christian Laettner.  He’s very lonely.”

#13) Minnesota Timberwolves – Nik Stauskas, SG, Michigan

Hey Kevin Love!  Unpack your bags!  Nik Stauskas is coming!  *self-inflicted gunshot*

#14) Phoenix Suns – Jusuf Nurkic, C, Bosnia

LESSON #1 for Jusuf Nurkic in the NBA.  YOU MUST WEAR PANTS!!!  A basketball is not enough to cover your junk!

"Get Real, Jusuf. The ball doesn't need to be THAT far out." Photo from

“Uh, Jusuf? The ball doesn’t need to be THAT far out.” Photo from

So those are my picks. If the 14 lottery teams just take my advice and pick exactly like I say, none of them will ever be in the draft ever again.  You’re welcome, NBA.

Photo from

Photo from

There’s not much I can say about Kevin Love that I haven’t already said.  He’s a snake and a whiner and he’s going to leave us.  Sure as Wally Szczerbiak is white, David Kahn is stupid and Sam Cassell has fetal alcohol syndrome.


Yeah, he’s a superstar and a one of a kind talent.  But in six years with him we didn’t make the playoffs once.  Not once!  What’s the worst that can happen without him?  We continue to still not make the playoffs?  That’s like being afraid that your motorless Omni Hatchback won’t start.  I’d rather have 12 Ricky Rubios that actually want to be here than one superstar who’s got one foot on the beach and the other up our ass.

Well, it’s time to put his foot where it belongs: Up his own ass.

Send him to Cleveland.

You got a problem with being on an inept team there, Kevvy?  You don’t even KNOW ineptitude. Meet Dan Gilbert.  He makes David Kahn look like Keyser Soze.  And they’re just stupid enough to trade for you and think they can convince you to stay with pipedreams of luring LeBron James the next year.  Please, please fall for that.  It will be so amazing to see your face drop when that doesn’t happen.  When your paychecks are written in Comic Sans and you realize you’re in a town who’s slogan is literally “We’re Not Detroit“, then please think of Minneapolis and how we nurtured you.  How we took you in when you were just a fat, puffy white dude who liked to collect coats and pad your stats.  We adopted you.  We believed in you.  We laughed at your jokes and ignored your non-existent defense.  We pretended like you were the first Kevin who ever won our hearts.  We considered you a #1 option when you’re clearly only a #2.  Because it could have been worse.

Give him worse.

Send him to goddamn Cleveland.

Dan Gilbert must have made Anthony Bennett give Adam Silver one big sloppy Ohio blowjob for them to get the #1 pick again.  Unreal.  They don’t deserve it.  We do.  Make them trade it to us along with Dion Waiters for Kevin Love, JJ Barea and Glen Taylor.  Just like that, everything is right in the world again.  Cleveland gets the whiny bitch, Lakers fans are sad and we make the playoffs exactly as much as we did with Kevin Love: Zero.

Yeah, Andrew Wiggins would just end up leaving us, too.  But he’s from Canada.  Minnesota is like Texas to those weirdos.  Our weather is tropical in comparison and yet we’re still on the border, so he can skip over to get Tim Horton’s, watch Avril Lavigne concerts and buy maple leaf underwear.  And it’d take at least six years before he could push his way out, anyway.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Smells like Cleveland. Photo from

Smells like Cleveland. Photo from