There’s not much I can say about Kevin Love that I haven’t already said. He’s a snake and a whiner and he’s going to leave us. Sure as Wally Szczerbiak is white, David Kahn is stupid and Sam Cassell has fetal alcohol syndrome.
BUT HERE’S THE RUB, MINNESOTA: We. Don’t. Need. Him.
Yeah, he’s a superstar and a one of a kind talent. But in six years with him we didn’t make the playoffs once. Not once! What’s the worst that can happen without him? We continue to still not make the playoffs? That’s like being afraid that your motorless Omni Hatchback won’t start. I’d rather have 12 Ricky Rubios that actually want to be here than one superstar who’s got one foot on the beach and the other up our ass.
Well, it’s time to put his foot where it belongs: Up his own ass.
Send him to Cleveland.
You got a problem with being on an inept team there, Kevvy? You don’t even KNOW ineptitude. Meet Dan Gilbert. He makes David Kahn look like Keyser Soze. And they’re just stupid enough to trade for you and think they can convince you to stay with pipedreams of luring LeBron James the next year. Please, please fall for that. It will be so amazing to see your face drop when that doesn’t happen. When your paychecks are written in Comic Sans and you realize you’re in a town who’s slogan is literally “We’re Not Detroit“, then please think of Minneapolis and how we nurtured you. How we took you in when you were just a fat, puffy white dude who liked to collect coats and pad your stats. We adopted you. We believed in you. We laughed at your jokes and ignored your non-existent defense. We pretended like you were the first Kevin who ever won our hearts. We considered you a #1 option when you’re clearly only a #2. Because it could have been worse.
Give him worse.
Send him to goddamn Cleveland.
Dan Gilbert must have made Anthony Bennett give Adam Silver one big sloppy Ohio blowjob for them to get the #1 pick again. Unreal. They don’t deserve it. We do. Make them trade it to us along with Dion Waiters for Kevin Love, JJ Barea and Glen Taylor. Just like that, everything is right in the world again. Cleveland gets the whiny bitch, Lakers fans are sad and we make the playoffs exactly as much as we did with Kevin Love: Zero.
Yeah, Andrew Wiggins would just end up leaving us, too. But he’s from Canada. Minnesota is like Texas to those weirdos. Our weather is tropical in comparison and yet we’re still on the border, so he can skip over to get Tim Horton’s, watch Avril Lavigne concerts and buy maple leaf underwear. And it’d take at least six years before he could push his way out, anyway.
Wouldn’t it be nice?