The day after the NBA Draft is a lot like December 26th for most NBA fans. Everybody is flush with serotonin after opening goodies like Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker or (a partially factory defected) Joel Embiid. Even the rich kid who had everything (San Antonio) got a new fancy bike (Kyle Anderson). Who knows how it’ll all work out, but fans of Cleveland, Milwaukee, Philly and more all have visions of 60 win seasons dancing in their heads for now.
Not the Minnesota Timberwolves.
If the draft is Christmas then we are Jehovah’s Witnesses. No presents for us. We aren’t allowed them. Why not? Because the pagan god Mithra‘s birthday is on Christmas. What? That doesn’t make any sense. Exactly. Nothing makes sense for us, ever. It makes more sense to me that Flip Saunders makes his decisions based on the Zoroastrian guardian of cattle than actual basketball scouting.
So what to think about last night’s Wolves picks?
That’s Zach LaVine, our #1 pick (13th overall) mouthing the words “Fuck me” after being selected by us. Wonderful! There has been some argument over whether he really said “Fuck me” or “Fuck man” or “Fun meat”. Personally, I think he thinks he’s a superhero and said “Duckman” like Captain Marvel yelling “Shazaam!” He was simply activating his powers. You’ve heard of the Eurostep? Just wait for the Duckstep, bitches! DUCKMAN!
Then we took Glenn Robinson III at #40. I was unaware that OG Big Dog was a “Junior”. Personally, this kind of frightens me, as I believe there are already 15 Shawn Kemp VII’s out there. What if all these kids form a team and consume all the mashed potatoes and cocaine in the world? What will happen to the economy?!
So here’s what I think: Just go with the flow, man. You can’t really affect the way our team is run, so why let it upset you? Don’t try to get all Zach Lowe on this shit. We’re the Minnesota Timberwolves. Don’t think “Hey, we could really use a power forward to replace Kevin Love, because he’s leaving.” No, no. That’s wrong. You’re not thinking like a Timberwolf big-wig. Think “Sometimes boats get zebra mussels on the bottom of them. I want a Mars Bar.” Now you’re thinking like a bat-shit crazy Timberwolf. Go Minnesota!
(Alright, I think Glenn Robinson III is a nice pick and potentially a big steal in the 2nd round. I think time will tell on LaVine. Give the kid a chance. If anything, it’ll give Ricky Rubio someone to throw alley-oops to. And his agent has said 400 times now that they knew the Wolves were going to draft him and that he’s ecstatic to be here, so I think the “Fuck me” part is a misinterpretation. Probably just a kid caught up in the emotion of the biggest moment of his life.)
As far as the rest of the league goes, I think Milwaukee is the big winner. They got who they wanted (Jabari Parker) and he’s going to be a stud and probably the biggest statistical star of next year. I’m furious that the Lakers got a great pick (Randle). I think that Denver is killing it this off-season. I love that there’s a real human being named Bogdan Bogdanovic. (That’s some real Roseanne Roseannadanna shit right there.) I think Philadelphia thinks it’s 2016. I also think they better start stockpiling human growth hormone. I think that San Antonio is never going to go bad, like a box of Twinkies that loves to share itself.
Oh and most importantly: FUCK BILL SIMMONS.