Archive for June, 2014


The day after the NBA Draft is a lot like December 26th for most NBA fans. Everybody is flush with serotonin after opening goodies like Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker or (a partially factory defected) Joel Embiid.  Even the rich kid who had everything (San Antonio) got a new fancy bike (Kyle Anderson). Who knows how it’ll all work out, but fans of Cleveland, Milwaukee, Philly and more all have visions of 60 win seasons dancing in their heads for now.

Not the Minnesota Timberwolves.

If the draft is Christmas then we are Jehovah’s Witnesses. No presents for us.  We aren’t allowed them.  Why not?  Because the pagan god Mithra‘s birthday is on Christmas.  What?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Exactly.  Nothing makes sense for us, ever.  It makes more sense to me that Flip Saunders makes his decisions based on the Zoroastrian guardian of cattle than actual basketball scouting.

So what to think about last night’s Wolves picks?

That’s Zach LaVine, our #1 pick (13th overall) mouthing the words “Fuck me” after being selected by us.  Wonderful!  There has been some argument over whether he really said “Fuck me” or “Fuck man” or “Fun meat”.  Personally, I think he thinks he’s a superhero and said “Duckman” like Captain Marvel yelling “Shazaam!”  He was simply activating his powers.  You’ve heard of the Eurostep?  Just wait for the Duckstep, bitches!  DUCKMAN!

Then we took Glenn Robinson III at #40.  I was unaware that OG Big Dog was a “Junior”.  Personally, this kind of frightens me, as I believe there are already 15 Shawn Kemp VII’s out there.  What if all these kids form a team and consume all the mashed potatoes and cocaine in the world?  What will happen to the economy?!

So here’s what I think: Just go with the flow, man.  You can’t really affect the way our team is run, so why let it upset you?  Don’t try to get all Zach Lowe on this shit.  We’re the Minnesota Timberwolves.  Don’t think “Hey, we could really use a power forward to replace Kevin Love, because he’s leaving.”  No, no.  That’s wrong.  You’re not thinking like a Timberwolf big-wig.  Think “Sometimes boats get zebra mussels on the bottom of them. I want a Mars Bar.”  Now you’re thinking like a bat-shit crazy Timberwolf.  Go Minnesota!

(Alright, I think Glenn Robinson III is a nice pick and potentially a big steal in the 2nd round.  I think time will tell on LaVine.  Give the kid a chance.  If anything, it’ll give Ricky Rubio someone to throw alley-oops to.  And his agent has said 400 times now that they knew the Wolves were going to draft him and that he’s ecstatic to be here, so I think the “Fuck me” part is a misinterpretation.  Probably just a kid caught up in the emotion of the biggest moment of his life.)

As far as the rest of the league goes, I think Milwaukee is the big winner.  They got who they wanted (Jabari Parker) and he’s going to be a stud and probably the biggest statistical star of next year.  I’m furious that the Lakers got a great pick (Randle).  I think that Denver is killing it this off-season.  I love that there’s a real human being named Bogdan Bogdanovic.  (That’s some real Roseanne Roseannadanna shit right there.)  I think Philadelphia thinks it’s 2016.  I also think they better start stockpiling human growth hormone.  I think that San Antonio is never going to go bad, like a box of Twinkies that loves to share itself.

Oh and most importantly: FUCK BILL SIMMONS.

Bogdan Bogdanovic receiving word of his being drafted.  Photo from

Bogdan Bogdanovic receiving word of his being drafted. Photo from

Kevin Love is an amazing player.  He’s arguably a top five NBA talent and definitely top ten.  He’s got incredible stats and improves year after year.

He is not, however, a leader.

He is in fact a whiny bitch.

“I just want to win, wherever that may be,” says Kevin Love.

What ever happened to CREATING a winning environment?  Whatever happened to being an inspiration to win?  Whatever happened to making everyone and everything around you rise to that level?  I am no professional athlete.  I honestly can’t even touch my toes.  Every time my dog comes near me she sticks her nose down my belly button like there might be a sandwich in there.  There probably is.  But I simply don’t understand this post-Jordan culture of “If you can’t beat them, join them.”  Of jumping ship the minute you’re dissatisfied.  You are not a winner if you leave a losing situation that you were the main cog of just to go to a place that is already winning.  That makes you a Benedict Arnold.  It makes you the guy from the Goonies in the Matrix who just wants a steak.  Even worse, it makes you Dwight Howard.

Yes, the Minnesota Timberwolves organization is a blundering behemoth of bullshit.  It’s a parade of Jonny Flynn draftings, Darko Milicic signings, Kevin Love max contract snubbings and every other dumbass move you can think of.  But that was because of David Kahn.  He’s gone now.  We had 40 wins last season in a brutal Western Conference.  We lost a dozen games by a margin of 4 points or less because of a (now gone) legendary coach who unfortunately was long past mentally checked out.  For three years we’ve had crippling injuries.  Still, we have Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer and a very intriguing sophomore class.  We could make the playoffs next year.  We could get 50 wins.

But we won’t, because Kevin Love will be gone.  Because he can’t lead and he won’t lead.

So go on, get gone.  Find your #1, Mr. #2.  Go be the Kelly Rowland to someone’s Beyoncé.  The Bumblebee to someone’s Optimus Prime.  The Mike Love to someone else’s Brian Wilson.

What’s the worst that’ll happen to the Timberwolves without him?  We STILL don’t make the playoffs?  That’s called Tuesday here in Minnesota.

Kevin Love Trade