This is not an anti-Kevin Love post.
I’ve focused so much mental energy on that man. I wrote blog after angry blog cursing him out. I begged him to stay. I even made a video about Minnesotans being too nice to burn his jersey.
But I’m done complaining. Kevin Love is gone and what we got back is probably the best haul for a superstar forcing his way out, ever:
Andrew Wiggins: Holy Moses Malone, we got Wiggins! I’ve been so worried for the past month that we’d screw it up or that the league would veto the trade. But it actually worked out and we now have arguably (and that’s a big arguably) the most touted talent since LeBron James joining our team. And he’s Canadian! People always bitch about our cold weather, but that’s nothing to a Canuck! Minnesota winters are Fiji to them! And we live close enough that we can import poutine and Tim Horton’s relatively cheaply to make him happy. The dude is chill and smiley and just wants to be on a team that wants him. Well guess what, Andrew? Minnesota wants you! We’re desperate and friendly and we’ll take you to our cabins up north to make you feel less homesick. Seriously, if you’d have told me a year ago that we’d have Andrew Freakin’ Wiggins right now I’d have punched you in the throat and demanded to know who sent you. But now, like KG said: “Anything is possible!” Let’s get Kevin Durant in 2016 and then maybe an android version of 1996 Scottie Pippen! Our starting center can be Bowser from Mario Kart!
Anthony Bennett: Okay, let’s be honest: Anthony Bennett had literally the worst season ever for a #1 overall pick last year. Like Nicki Minaj singing the national anthem and changing it to about butts bad. It’s not even worth going into Bennett’s stats. My high school varsity b-ball stats were better and I only scored two points total and even I was surprised the ball went in. However, there are reports all over the league that he’s really gotten into shape and is actually trying and doing pretty well in the summer league. If the fat kid from Teen Wolf can get better, then a former #1 player can too. Oh, and he’s also Canadian! Share the maple leafs, Wiggins, you got a Mountie buddy!
Thaddeus Young: I actually don’t know much about Thaddeus Young. I know he averaged 17ppg last year and everybody from Philly seemed to love him. More importantly, his name is incredible. Thaddeus sounds like the name an alien overlord would give himself to try to blend in and be more likeable. And according to Wikipedia, it’s the 611th most popular male name in America. (#610 is “Boy”.) But hey, Overlord Gladius Thaddeus will likely be our new starting PF and he has a reputation for NOT complaining, so count me in!
Throw these three fellas names in with other newcomers to our team like Zach Lavine and Mo Williams, then mix ’em up with our carry-over players like Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer, Chase Budinger, Gorgui Dieng and even Shabazz Muhammad and we’ve got a pretty dang good team.
Maybe not playoffs good yet, but hey…why start now?