It actually happened. JJ Barea is gone.
The Wolves bought out his contract and waived him. It’s all kind of bittersweet. JJ was like an old recliner with pizza sauce crusted all over it. Gross, embarrassing and definitely half covered in dog pee. But also comfortable, because you can lean back on it or tilt it on it’s side and nobody cares if it snaps in half. If he made a shot, great. If he missed, well, you could curse him and expect to see him on the side of the curb by morning.
And now all our villains are gone. Maniacally yelling at 1-2 Timberwolves is how I’ve survived these last few years. Who is it going to be now? I love the whole team. Andrew Wiggins is the most likeable person on the planet. I’m pretty sure Ronny Turiaf would find me and give me a hug and a $20 bill if I tweeted that I needed one. Ricky Rubio farts Care Bears. There’s always our idiot owner Glen Taylor, but that’s like getting mad at Daffy Duck for not wearing pants. He wouldn’t even know what you mean.
I’ve reluctantly narrowed it down to three candidates:
Zach LaVine: He’s a candidate because of his famous “Fuck me” incident. He’s struggling to learn the point guard position and he seems pretty arrogant. But damnit, I love that! I love arrogant players. We’ve been too nice and awkward for too long. We’re probably going to win 20-35 games, so in that process I want someone who will throw down a vicious dunk in a game while simultaneously filming it on his camera phone for Vine. I want someone who probably kisses a velvet painting of himself before he goes to bed. I want NBA Liberace! Zach, you’re still cool.
Shabazz Muhammad: Shabazz would have been perfect except for two complications: He never plays and he’s been working super hard in the off-season. How do you hate that? I fear that my biggest chance for a heel will just be sitting on the sidelines all season, looking ripped and innocent. Have you seen his abs lately? His stomach looks like a giant, unused roll of giant bubble wrap. And everybody loves bubble wrap! I just want to squeeze it and pop him until he can’t even stand up, for lack of stomach muscles. I can’t stay mad at Shabubble! Next!
Chase Budinger: Ug, Chase Budinger. It’s gotta be you, buddy. Sorry, man. You’re a good player and you’re supposedly getting your wheels back. I don’t want to do this, but it’s for the good of the whole team and my own well-being. So forgive me for having to pull a Harry & The Hendersons goodbye scene, but I have no choice. Oh god this is hard: “Get out of here, Chase Budinger! Don’t you see we don’t want you anymore? Why don’t you go back where you came from? Now, leave us alone! *punches Chase in the face* Go. Go!”
Oh my god, that clip is so sad. I’m still traumatized. Come back, Chase.
Tonight is the first night of the NBA season! Wednesday is the Timberwolves’ season opener on the road against Memphis and then Thursday is the home opener against Detroit. Go Wolves!