Archive for November, 2014

ZACH

Photo from i.cdn.turner.com/

Zach LaVine has such a man-crush on Kobe Bryant.  The dude went for 28 points on 11-14 shooting in the breakout performance of his short career and still all he talked about in interviews was the Black Mamba.  He spoke about Bryant the way I speak about the guy who invented Rolo Minis.

INTERVIEWER: Zach LaVine, how do you feel about this win, as well as your career high output tonight?  It’s got to feel great. 

ZACH LAVINE: Do you think Kobe saw it?

INTERVIEWER: Saw the game?  Yes.  He played in it.  

ZL: Yeah, but do you think…wait…did you talk to Kobe on this microphone?  

INTERVIEWER: Yes, during halftime. 

*tusseling, fumbling noise* 

INTERVIEWER:  Give me…stop it!  Give me that microphone back!

ZL:  Everything I do, I do it for you, Kobe!  *Licks microphone and jumps over four foot wall* 

Zach couldn’t believe we won that game and neither could I.  Dear lord, how bad do the Lakers have to be to lose to us?  I’d almost feel bad for them if they hadn’t stolen our team (and five championships) some 50 years ago.  How did they sink this far?  They have one of the greatest players of this generation in his Depends years, a couple decent starters, Carlos Boozer and then the people who got turned down to be Washington Generals.

We’re not much better, but at least we have some kind of visible future.  All our young guys are showing promise:

Ricky Rubio:  He hurt his ankle while flying a hippogriff, but he really was making huge strides in his jump shot and strength.

Andrew Wiggins:  He’s going to be a stud.  We just need him to get angry and go nuclear.  Anybody know how to piss off a soft-spoken Canadian?  Can someone tear up a picture of Celine Dion, please?

Anthony Bennett:  I love Anthony Bennett!  Those tomahawk dunks!  That 20 footer!  His ability to look fat even when he’s skinny!  The fact that his name is TONY BENNETT!  He’s the greatest player to be a draft flop ever!

Gorgui Dieng:  Gorgui’s actually 45 years old, but Dikembe Mutombo played until he was 82 so we’re good.

Shabazz Muhammad:  Shabazz went from the scapegoat draft pick to fan favorite faster than you can sneak a girl into the Rookie Transition Program hotel.  I ain’t mad at ya, Shabazz.

Zach LaVine:  He plays like Russell Westbrook and Scottie Pippen when Kobe’s around.

Next up we play the Trail Blazers (12-4) in Portland on Sunday night.  Let’s hope Zach LaVine grew up watching Damian Lillard, otherwise they’re going to kill us.  Go Wolves!

This is me if KG becomes the owner. Photo from lesterslegends.com

Great Sam Cassell’s head!  Kevin Garnett wants to buy the Wolves!

This must be what it’s like to dream of a fancy new step-dad.  Your current lame-ass dad likes to wear Cosby sweaters, forces you to mow the backyard for $1 a pop and keeps the house just together enough that it doesn’t get condemned.  Until Fancy New Step-Dad shows up.  He kicks Old Dad out and buys everybody an Escalade.  He hangs out with Jay Z and screams like a Braveheart warrior every time he eats a hamburger.  He’s perfect and makes everybody happy until the end of time.

These are only a few of the sky-high expectations I have for KG.  I know, it’s not realistic.  We don’t even know if he’d be a good owner type.  Look at some of the former NBA players who’ve made it into the front office:

  • Isiah Thomas – Destroyed teams from the inside out.  Basically was a more innocent-looking Clarence Thomas in short-shorts.  Shouldn’t advise a fork.
  • Larry Bird – Great front office guy with Indiana.  Uglier than Tom Petty.  Shorter shorts than Isiah.
  • Michael Jordan – Not a great owner, but everybody’s afraid to tell him.  Only a matter of time before he loses the team from a card game in Thailand.  Drafted Kwame Brown #1 in the draft.  (Read that last one 20 times.)
  • Michael Beasley – I believe he runs the 76ers.

It’s a messy, unpredictable transition, but who cares?  For all the bitching I’ve done on this blog, from the Kevin Love chicanery to the 500 injuries to human salamander David Kahn, no one is more responsible for our decade long irrelevance than owner Glen Taylor.  You can put all the spinning Sprewell rims on the car you want, but at it’s core it’s still a Dodge Omni full of mothballs.  Kevin Garnett is the weird new fancy hybrid car that runs on the pain of bitches and snitches.  It might catch fire and burn the garage down.  Or it might spew champagne from the radio right into your mouth, suckas!  I’m gonna go with blind, irrational optimism.  After all, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  MR. TAYLOR, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL AND GIVE KG THE TEAM!

We play the Pelicans tonight in the Big Easy.  This game hits a little close to home for me, because I’m on the road, forgot my razor and have a huge, freaky Anthony Davis unibrow.  Go Wolves!

sadpanda

I am a sad panda. Photo from kym-cdn.com

Ricky Rubio is out indefinitely and I’m in a depression spiral. We are never going to be good.  And even if we start to be a hole will form in center court and Dieng, Wiggins and a visiting Dalai Lama/Pope Francis duo will fall in and ruin all hope for all of mankind ever.

Argh!  I knew we weren’t going to win 50 games but at least it was going to be entertaining.  There were going to be alley-oops and fibbity-doos and things that only Dr. Seuss could name.  But now we lost to the Orlando Magic.  The fucking Orlando Magic!  Their fourth best player is an alligator.  Now we enter a BRUTAL two week stretch where we play Miami, Houston and the ’96 Bulls all on the road.  Like I said, I knew we weren’t going to make the playoffs but could we have at least made it 20 games without all hope being squashed like a mosquito under Anthony Bennett’s butt.

The worst part is the uncertainty of Ricky’s injury.  He’s already had ACL problems.  Is this just going to be 1-2 months out or are we going to find out that he’s actually made out of Spanish toffee?  We won’t even find out for a few weeks.  How does God let someone like Ricky Rubio get hurt?  I get Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant.  They’re warriors. They’re meant for that.  Ricky Rubio is a lost lhasa apso who needs a little coat to keep him warm.  In the arms of an angel, Ricky.  Fly away!

I guess we’re going to see how Zach Lavine plays now.  The good news is he can dunk.  The bad news is so can literally every player in the NBA.  I’ll be more impressed if he suddenly learns how to pass and dribble.  We. Are. Screwed.

Next up we play the Heat in Miami.  Dwayne Wade has the body of King Tut but Chris Bosh is playing with a chip on his shoulder.  Are they any good?  Who knows but they’re sure going to kick our ass.  Go….Wolves….:(