Archive for December, 2014

FARGO

Flip Saunders is acting like a jealous old girlfriend, spreading rumors and trying to piss everybody off in lieu of tonight’s Wolves/Cavs game.

Here’s what he had to say after practice on Monday about Kevin Love and Cleveland:  “Minnesota people are pretty loyal. You turn on Minnesota, they don’t forgive you. So I think people probably appreciated him while he was here. But you leave under the terms that he did, just the way Minnesota people are, they’re not pretty forgiving along those lines.”

Dude.  Flip.   Do you even live in Minnesota?  How do you not know how Minnesotans work?  We don’t get outwardly mad at people.  We get super pissed on the inside, push it way down into our bowels and then flog ourselves in a closet while staring at pictures of Kevin Love and LeBron James hugging.  We’ll boo him, but it won’t be at a game.  It’ll be three months later in the Macy’s Skyway.  We won’t be able to fit into any swimsuits for our Jamaican vacation and it’ll be the straw that broke the loon’s back and we’ll shove the swimsuit over our head and scream “Damn you, Kevin Love!  You ruined my waistline!” and cry and cry.

That’s how Minnesota works:  Passive-aggressive denial, rage bubbling to the surface, shame, repeat.

I, for one, would like to end this cycle.  As a Timberwolves fan and resident Minnesotan, I have decided to look at the man in the mirror and make that change.  I have been working diligently on being just flat-out AGGRESSIVE-aggressive.  When the Lakers were in town recently, I overhead a dude yelling at an employee at Target:

DUDE: Where are all your Lakers jerseys? 

EMPLOYEE: I’m sorry, we don’t have any.  

DUDE: What?!  But the Lakers are national, man!  

EMPLOYEE:  We only carry Minnesota teams.  

ME (Running by, pointing my fingers and yelling at full volume): FUCK THE LAKERS AND FUCK YOU!  GO WOLVES! 

DUDE: Not funny, man.   

It felt good.  So even though Flip is confused (especially since tonight’s Wolves/Cavs game is in CLEVELAND), I think we should try and fulfill the vision and drop the passive-aggressiveness.  Let’s take it at Kevin Love when the game IS played here.  Let’s burn Mike Love solo albums in the parking lot.  Let’s steal coats from homeless people.  Let’s start a GoFundMe, buy the Cleveland Cavaliers and only offer him a four-year contract worth Ricky Rubio’s jockstrap.

No more Minnesota nice.  Let’s bring some Minnesota ice.

Also, they’re going to kill us.  We suck really bad.

GO WOLVES!!!

The NBA Rookie Game bench. Photo from http://pspspiele.biz/

The NBA Rookie Game bench. Photo from pspspiele.biz/

Man, that’s rough news about Milwaukee’s Jabari Parker tearing his ACL.  I can’t remember a more injury laden rookie class in NBA history.  And that’s including when everybody wore cardboard Chuck Taylor’s and smoked cigarettes during games.  Seven out of the top eleven picks are out with injuries right now, many for the entire season.  What’s going on, Generation Y?  If Steve Nash and Tim Duncan can play through dialysis then you should make it when you’re still not old enough to rent a car.

It’s really a short, small race for Rookie of the Year right now.  Minnesota’s Andrew Wiggins, who I believed would eventually get ROY, is now the clear favorite.  He’s followed closely behind by KJ McDaniels.  However, KJ McDaniels plays for the Philadelphia 76ers.  Technically someone has to score and do things for them.  He’s like a kangaroo boxer.  Technically he’s doing what he’s supposed to do but only because someone shoved him out there.

Who else is realistically in the running?  Here’s my top ten:

1) Andrew Wiggins – I might be a homer, but he’s a future star for sure.  Right now he’s like the J-Lo of basketball.  Sorta good at everything but not great at any one thing.  In 3-5 years he’ll be the Beyoncé of basketball.  Which I think means he’ll be a Brooklyn Net?

2) KJ McDaniels – He plays for the Sixers.  Call me when you’re a real boy on a real team, Pinocchio.

3) Elfrid Payton – I would pay anything to have my name be “Elf”.  Elf Brody.  I’m 6’5″ so nobody could make “Santa’s Little Helper” jokes.  Also, nobody seems to acknowledge that Elfrid’s hair looks just like MC Hammer’s sidekick’s stupid diamond-shaped head.

Elfrid Payton (far left, bottom) getting ready for Orlando’s next game.

4) Jahill Okafor – He’s still in college but screw it, we got nothing.  Put him in already.

5) Nerlens Noel – He plays for the Sixers.  Call me when you’re a real boy on a real team, Pinocchio.

6) Henry Rowengartner from the movie “Rookie Of The Year” – “Did he just say ‘Funky butt lovin’?”  Hey, at least when this kid gets hurt he gets better!

roy

7) Larry Bird – I think it’s fair.  Yeah, he already won ROY in 1980, but he’s older than Strom Thurmond and if he could actually average more than 13 points a game I think he should get it.

8) Michael Carter-WIlliams – While we’re in the business of letting players re-play their ROY campaign, let’s make MCW do his over again.  He plays for the Sixers and well…you know.

9) Shabazz Napier – It’s a fun name to say.  Try it.  SHABAZZ!  NAPIER!  It sounds like fireworks if you yell it loud and fast enough.  That’s good enough for #9 for me.

10) Me – I think I can do it.  I’m 36, wildly out of shape and don’t currently have insurance but I really think I can make a run for at least #4.  After all, I don’t play for the Sixers, I haven’t been injured in 20 years (possibly due to lack of physical movement) and I know everything about basketball.

Next up the Wolves play the Celtics in Boston on Friday.  I can’t wait to see Larry Bird’s first geriatric rookie game.  Hope he’s been to the chiropractor.  Go Wolves!

Photo from deviantart.net

Photo from deviantart.net

Someday the Timberwolves are going to have 50 wins again.

It might take 45 years.  We might be the Seattle Timberwolves by then.  Basketball might also be played in underwater aquasuits because 80% of the country is covered in ocean.  But damnit, the law of probability and statistics says that we’ll be accidentally good eventually.

And then this blog will be the SHIT!  Everybody will think “Damn, this crazy dude wrote about the Timberwolves for almost 50 years and they sucked the WHOLE TIME.  What a fan!  Good thing Wally Szczerbiak III, Glenn Robinson IV and Robo Kahn brought us back to relevancy.”

I just pray to god that I don’t end up like one of those 95 year old Boston dudes that kicked the bucket a week before the Red Sox curse was broken.  Hell, at least they had a good story.  The Red Sox traded Babe Ruth and the so-called “Curse of the Bambino” lasted 86 years before they won another title.  What did we do?  We signed Joe Smith illegally and all basketball powers were transferred to the Lynx.  Maybe our curse will be broken the minute we start appreciating our awesome WNBA team?

So give it up for our Olympic gold-winning star, Lindsay Whalen!  Another round of applause for Tan White!  Keep it going for Pasty Brown!  Show some love to Juwanna Mann and Peppermint Patty!  I have no idea who’s on our team, but they’re the Lakers and Celtics of women’s basketball, combined.  Not only could they destroy the Timberwolves, but they could probably beat half the NBA.  I don’t know if that’s actually true but we have a curse to squash, people.  Go Lynx, go Lynx, go!

Photo from wnba.com

The 2013 WNBA champion Minnesota Lynx.  Owner Glen Taylor (far right) has the 2011 championship trophy in his stomach.  Photo from wnba.com

Next up we play the Portland Trail Blazers at home on Wednesday.  If we win we’re tied for last place in the West with the Lakers.  Join us, LA.  We all float down here!

Great Drunk Dirk Nowitzki, how did we lose to such a turdcan of a team?!  I could have pooled together 12 random people from the DMV and beaten the Sixers.  They were 0-17 coming in and possibly the most atrocious collaboration of humans since the Metallica/Lou Reed album.

Nobody even really knows who these guys are.  Who is this team and how could they possibly have beat anybody at all?  Let’s take a closer look at the 2014-15 Sixers line-up:

Point guard: Michael Carter-Williams –

He’s okay.

Philadelphia 76ers Media Day

Shooting guard: Anthony “Cracker Hands” Giavanni –

Tiny & violent.  Giavanni has recorded a league high 85 technicals from outbursts and attempted bribes.  His signature move is throwing a flask at the defense’s face and granny-shotting the ball into the stands.  Last seen running hooch on the corner of Hindenburg & Malarkey.

Al-Capone-9237536-2-402

Small forward: Hip-Hop, the 76ers mascot –

Hip-Hop is technically 95% blind in his rat costume and glasses, yet his trampoline dunk is incredibly difficult to block.

hiphopx500

Power forward: Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot –

Like most Heat fans, Burnie didn’t want to stick around after LeBron James left.

heat

Center: Nerlens “Narwhal” Noel –

While a great talent, Noel has missed the last five games after accidentally glueing his hands to his head.

Nerlens-Noel-Thaddeus-Young

Sixth man: A frightened, falling, elderly Paul McCartney –

paul-mccartney

This is the team that beat us.  It’s going to be a long rebuilding process.  Hopefully we’ll sign the Jazz mascot next year.  That thing looks like Teen Wolf.

Next up we play…ah, who cares.  We’re going to lose.