Wolves Lose To A Team That’s Trying To Lose

Posted: 12/04/2014 in Uncategorized
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Great Drunk Dirk Nowitzki, how did we lose to such a turdcan of a team?!  I could have pooled together 12 random people from the DMV and beaten the Sixers.  They were 0-17 coming in and possibly the most atrocious collaboration of humans since the Metallica/Lou Reed album.

Nobody even really knows who these guys are.  Who is this team and how could they possibly have beat anybody at all?  Let’s take a closer look at the 2014-15 Sixers line-up:

Point guard: Michael Carter-Williams –

He’s okay.

Philadelphia 76ers Media Day

Shooting guard: Anthony “Cracker Hands” Giavanni –

Tiny & violent.  Giavanni has recorded a league high 85 technicals from outbursts and attempted bribes.  His signature move is throwing a flask at the defense’s face and granny-shotting the ball into the stands.  Last seen running hooch on the corner of Hindenburg & Malarkey.


Small forward: Hip-Hop, the 76ers mascot –

Hip-Hop is technically 95% blind in his rat costume and glasses, yet his trampoline dunk is incredibly difficult to block.


Power forward: Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot –

Like most Heat fans, Burnie didn’t want to stick around after LeBron James left.


Center: Nerlens “Narwhal” Noel –

While a great talent, Noel has missed the last five games after accidentally glueing his hands to his head.


Sixth man: A frightened, falling, elderly Paul McCartney –


This is the team that beat us.  It’s going to be a long rebuilding process.  Hopefully we’ll sign the Jazz mascot next year.  That thing looks like Teen Wolf.

Next up we play…ah, who cares.  We’re going to lose.

  1. bblaw1 says:

    very sad, I know wonder if 20 wins is out of the question. How bad of a season do they have to have for us to just shut the place down like Bane at the Superbowl? I understand the “next year” talk, but at the same time if they are just delivering swill why are we drinking the koolaid.

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