Great Drunk Dirk Nowitzki, how did we lose to such a turdcan of a team?! I could have pooled together 12 random people from the DMV and beaten the Sixers. They were 0-17 coming in and possibly the most atrocious collaboration of humans since the Metallica/Lou Reed album.
Nobody even really knows who these guys are. Who is this team and how could they possibly have beat anybody at all? Let’s take a closer look at the 2014-15 Sixers line-up:
Point guard: Michael Carter-Williams –
Shooting guard: Anthony “Cracker Hands” Giavanni –
Tiny & violent. Giavanni has recorded a league high 85 technicals from outbursts and attempted bribes. His signature move is throwing a flask at the defense’s face and granny-shotting the ball into the stands. Last seen running hooch on the corner of Hindenburg & Malarkey.
Small forward: Hip-Hop, the 76ers mascot –
Hip-Hop is technically 95% blind in his rat costume and glasses, yet his trampoline dunk is incredibly difficult to block.
Power forward: Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot –
Like most Heat fans, Burnie didn’t want to stick around after LeBron James left.
Center: Nerlens “Narwhal” Noel –
While a great talent, Noel has missed the last five games after accidentally glueing his hands to his head.
Sixth man: A frightened, falling, elderly Paul McCartney –
This is the team that beat us. It’s going to be a long rebuilding process. Hopefully we’ll sign the Jazz mascot next year. That thing looks like Teen Wolf.
Next up we play…ah, who cares. We’re going to lose.