Archive for January, 2015

Ricky Rubio is an amazing player. ¬†He also gets hurt more than Chevy Chase as President Ford on SNL. ¬†Rubio hasn’t¬†played a game in over two months and currently is planning a tailbone break¬†in March.

I’m not mad at him. ¬†If anything, it made me wonder what the poor guy’s been up lately? ¬†Here are the seven¬†things sources say Rubioops loves to do¬†when he’s not falling down, twisting his ankle¬†or tearing an ACL while twisting his ankle:

1)  Laying around in open shirts that match all of his pillows:


“Hey girl. This chest pelt took me 15 years to grow.” Photo from

2) Catching flies with his bare hands:

"I call this fly Kevin Love."

“I’m the #2 flycatcher in Espana after Pau Gasol’s beard!” Photo from

3) Looking at cameras like “Whaaaat?”:

"Whaaaaaat?" Photo from

“Whaaaaaat?” Photo from

4) Snapping the necks of basketballs that he pretends are David Kahn for making him live in Minnesota:

"Damn you Basketballhead Kahn!" Photo from

“Damn you Basketballhead Kahn! I have to salt my salt to get to my mailbox!” Photo from

5) Pretending he needs to shave more than once a year:

"I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!" Photo from

“I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!” Photo from

6) Ummmm…resting his head inside of a piece of lettuce:

"Setting my head on a pile of lettuce gives my broken limbs time to heal without disruption!" Photo from

“It’s an ancient Spanish secret: Setting your¬†head on a pile of lettuce gives your¬†broken limbs time to heal without disruption! Plus, no carbs!” Photo from

7) Being meticulously stalked and possibly murdered by this woman:

"Please help me.  I've been locked in her basement for two weeks now." Photo from

“Please help me. I’ve been locked in her basement for two weeks now. ¬†She makes me watch ‘Misery’ while I¬†bobble my head.” Photo from

Next up we play the Celtics in Boston on Wednesday. ¬†If it’s canceled due to the snowstorm we should get the win automatically. ¬†Minnesotans don’t cancel anything for snow, unless it’s because there’s not enough snow. ¬†Go Wolves! ¬†Let’s beat those frost-bitten gingers!

The rumor mill is speculating that Kevin Martin and Nikola Pekovic are returning to the Timberwolves line-up tonight. ¬†That’s fantastic! ¬†Unfortunately, I believe nothing anymore. ¬†Killer bees¬†were supposed to be here in 1985 and kill us all. ¬†Seven year old Mike Brody didn’t sleep at all that year. ¬†Players returning from injury? ¬†36 year old Mike Brody will believe it when he sees it.

It would be nice if they did come back, though. ¬†Three of our top four players (four out of five if you count Shabazz Muhammad) are out right now. ¬†It’s called being a Timberwolf. ¬†We are ALWAYS hurt. ¬†I don’t understand what our trainers are doing? ¬†If there is a PED/steroid scandal coming in the NBA then we will get off¬†scott-free. ¬†I don’t think our trainers even give our players band-aids. ¬†We have the only Christian Science medical staff. ¬†Kevin Love’s “knuckle push-up” injury was healed through spooning¬†and watching “Frozen” on repeat.

“Oh, your hands¬†hurt? ¬†LET IT GO…LET IT GOOOOOOOO!”

If Pek comes back, it would be nice to see him standing next to that other Transylvania bastard, Miroslav Raduljica,¬†that we signed last week. ¬†Miroslav! ¬†What a name! ¬†It sounds like the world’s worst condiment.

“Yeah, yeah…dry-ass bagels again. ¬†Put some of that Miroslav on there. No, no…gimme the radish kind.”

Look at how much more scary a full beard makes an Eastern-European:


Miroslav before: “Hi guys, did you watch ‘Glee’ last night?”

"I smile because I've eaten three kneecaps today."

Miroslav after: “I smile because I’ve eaten three kneecaps today.”

So tonight we play the Dallas Mavericks in Minneapolis. ¬†I’m excited to see former Wolf¬†JJ Barea again. ¬†It’s like seeing an old girlfriend at the theater with their new boyfriend. ¬†Except you’re not jealous, you just watch and chuckle as they run around with their new nightmare¬†spilling Hawaii Punch on their Kanye West shirt¬†and stealing the non-electric vacuum. ¬†Enjoy the douchebag, Dallas!


52 is a magical number.

It’s how old Axl Rose is.

It’s the highway in Minnesota where that creepy refinery/supervillain hideout¬†is.

It’s how many Chicken McNuggets¬†it takes for me to overdose and barf in the bathtub.

It’s also how many points goddamn Mo Williams had last night for the Timberwolves. ¬†A new franchise record AND the highest point total from anyone in the NBA this year. ¬†I missed the game and thought it was a typo when I saw the box score. ¬†52 points sounds more like the total score for the team or the number of turnovers Zach LaVine had. ¬†Nope. ¬†Mo Williams. ¬†Baller.

What got into Mo? ¬†I’m fairly certain he¬†graduated with Axl Rose. ¬†He shouldn’t be putting up career/franchise highs at this point. ¬†The answer is easy: We suck and somebody’s got to score!

And boy did he score. ¬†From everywhere. ¬†Mo made shots from feet behind the three point line. ¬†He threw hook shots from the fifth row. ¬†He had a no-look from Lickety Split down the street in full bondage gear. ¬†He even scored in the opponents baskets’, traveled back in time, knocked the balls out of the rim and then scored again in our hoop, just for the fuck of it. ¬†“Fourth dimension, bitch,” Mo was heard whispering to C.J. Watson.

It also ended our 15 game losing streak. ¬†What’s better? ¬†Winning a few extra and saving our dignity or going full-tank and getting the #1 pick in the draft? ¬†Personally, it doesn’t matter to me. ¬†I’m having fun watching the young guys like Wiggins and Muhammad. ¬†A Rookie Of The Year and a Slam Dunk Champion will make this year just fine with me. ¬†I’m from Iowa. ¬†I’m used to being irrelevant.

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix on Friday. ¬†Can the Suns hold on to their status as perennial¬†“good enoughs”? ¬†Will Mo get 53? ¬†Let’s ride this one-game winning streak baby!

Andrew Wiggins is putting on a hell of a show lately. ¬†He’s been averaging over 20 ppg the last eight games on 50% shooting. ¬†Even the dickweed¬†that hates for writes¬†the “NBA Rookie Ladder” for ESPN thinks he’s the Rookie Of The Year, finally. ¬†Of course he is. ¬†Everybody else is hurt.¬† Regardless, Wiggins is going to be a real superstar in the league and here are five reasons why:

1) The dude has an electric smile. ¬†It looks like 500 puppies being each given a chew toy. ¬†It’s seemingly incapable of doing harm to anybody. ¬†I know a guy with a smile like that and he’s actually a humongous grifter. ¬†It’s called a “courtesy smile/laugh” and it’s used to¬†make people feel comfortable while you steal their french fries. ¬†But the point is in the marketing. ¬†Superstars are good at making hoops AND money. ¬†Toothpaste, soda, gum, chocolate bugs, Viagra, anything you can put in your mouth he can sell the shit out of!

Nobody can really be this happy.

Nobody can really be this happy in a suit.

2) Canada. ¬†He’s like the Yao Ming of Canada. ¬†Yeah, there have been some good Canuck players before like Steve Nash and Neil Young, but none of them could jump over a basketball hoop. (Neil’s harmonica always got in the way.) ¬†The entire Great North Country¬†is going to go nuts for Wiggins with their wallets full of loonies, toonies and whale blubber. And don’t you think about poaching him, Toronto! ¬†You just back off! ¬†You already have Drake!

3) Kobe Bryant recently said that looking at Wiggins is “like looking at a reflection of myself 19 years ago.” ¬†I said that to somebody once, but it was at AA. ¬†Wasn’t received as well.

4) There is a precedence for superstardom in Minnesota. ¬†Kevin Garnett played 12 years with us. ¬†He didn’t become a superstar in Boston. ¬†If anything, he was a year or two past his prime by then. ¬†I believe that Wiggins has the athletic ability and charisma to return us to the magnificent days of losing every year in the first round of the playoffs. ¬†WE CAN DO THIS!

5) Oh and THIS:

Next up the Wolves play the Bucks Friday night in Milwaukee. ¬†Jabari Parker is ranked #6 on the NBA Rookie Ladder, even though he’s out for the season. ¬†Maybe if he hiccups¬†from traction in the hospital, that biased-ass writer will bump him up to #2 again? ¬†Excitement!

The Atlanta Hawks are for sale. ¬†And as you would expect, the Seattle Supersonics are the #1 contender to steal them away. ¬†Granted, it’s possible that someone could buy the Hawks and choose to keep them in Atlanta. ¬†But that person would be really stupid, because the Atlanta Hawks have three fans, two of which may¬†be vendors. ¬†They had one of the greatest offensive threats of all time in Dominique Wilkins and the town¬†paid more attention to the Atlanta Center For Puppetry Arts.

But Seattle isn’t the only defunct NBA team waiting around to grab a spot¬†again. ¬†Here’s a handful of real former teams that could possibly throw their hat in the ring and steal the Supersonics’ Thunder:

The Waterloo Hawks (Waterloo, IA) – The Waterloo Hawks were an NBA team from 1949 to 1950. ¬†So there’s not a ton of history there. ¬†Waterloo isn’t even the biggest town in Iowa, much less one that people go to on purpose. ¬†The most famous fact about Waterloo is that John Wayne Gacy lived there for a spell. ¬†However, the serendipity of the Hawks turning into the Hawks is kind of convenient. ¬†And it’s not like they’ll have less fans than Atlanta did.

Pittsburgh Ironmen (Pittsburgh, PA) – I like the machismo of “Ironmen”. ¬†The town already has a football team called the Steelers, so all they’d need is a¬†soccer team named the “AluminuMEN” to complete the super manly trifecta. ¬†Who let those damn pussy Penguins in anyway?!

Sheboygan Red Skins (Sheboygan, WI) РAbort!  Abort!

Providence Steamrollers (Providence, RI) – I would be fine with the smallest state in the Union having a team, but only if their players were all 5’7″ or shorter. ¬†Plus, short players always have hilariously great names like Spud Webb, Mugsy Bogues and Earl Boynkins. ¬†So let’s make some stars out of people¬†named Dimples Tinytoons and Shrimp McShrimp Jr.

St. Louis Bombers (St. Louis, MO) – St. Louis has gotten some bad press lately, but it’s a BBQ town and I would eat a basketball if it were covered in BBQ sauce. ¬†If I were a congressman, that’s all I would take for bribes.¬† Get that town a team!


Congressman Mike Brody was arrested today after receiving 25 jugs of BBQ sauce as a bribe.  Brody says he regrets nothing and plans on eating his way out of prison with more BBQ sauce. Photo from

Tonight we play the Utah Jazz at home. ¬†The Jazz suck and they have twice as many wins as us, but their coach makes faces like Slimer from “Ghostbusters”, so tune in!