Archive for January, 2015

Ricky Rubio is an amazing player.  He also gets hurt more than Chevy Chase as President Ford on SNL.  Rubio hasn’t played a game in over two months and currently is planning a tailbone break in March.

I’m not mad at him.  If anything, it made me wonder what the poor guy’s been up lately?  Here are the seven things sources say Rubioops loves to do when he’s not falling down, twisting his ankle or tearing an ACL while twisting his ankle:

1)  Laying around in open shirts that match all of his pillows:


“Hey girl. This chest pelt took me 15 years to grow.” Photo from

2) Catching flies with his bare hands:

"I call this fly Kevin Love."

“I’m the #2 flycatcher in Espana after Pau Gasol’s beard!” Photo from

3) Looking at cameras like “Whaaaat?”:

"Whaaaaaat?" Photo from

“Whaaaaaat?” Photo from

4) Snapping the necks of basketballs that he pretends are David Kahn for making him live in Minnesota:

"Damn you Basketballhead Kahn!" Photo from

“Damn you Basketballhead Kahn! I have to salt my salt to get to my mailbox!” Photo from

5) Pretending he needs to shave more than once a year:

"I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!" Photo from

“I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!” Photo from

6) Ummmm…resting his head inside of a piece of lettuce:

"Setting my head on a pile of lettuce gives my broken limbs time to heal without disruption!" Photo from

“It’s an ancient Spanish secret: Setting your head on a pile of lettuce gives your broken limbs time to heal without disruption! Plus, no carbs!” Photo from

7) Being meticulously stalked and possibly murdered by this woman:

"Please help me.  I've been locked in her basement for two weeks now." Photo from

“Please help me. I’ve been locked in her basement for two weeks now.  She makes me watch ‘Misery’ while I bobble my head.” Photo from

Next up we play the Celtics in Boston on Wednesday.  If it’s canceled due to the snowstorm we should get the win automatically.  Minnesotans don’t cancel anything for snow, unless it’s because there’s not enough snow.  Go Wolves!  Let’s beat those frost-bitten gingers!

The rumor mill is speculating that Kevin Martin and Nikola Pekovic are returning to the Timberwolves line-up tonight.  That’s fantastic!  Unfortunately, I believe nothing anymore.  Killer bees were supposed to be here in 1985 and kill us all.  Seven year old Mike Brody didn’t sleep at all that year.  Players returning from injury?  36 year old Mike Brody will believe it when he sees it.

It would be nice if they did come back, though.  Three of our top four players (four out of five if you count Shabazz Muhammad) are out right now.  It’s called being a Timberwolf.  We are ALWAYS hurt.  I don’t understand what our trainers are doing?  If there is a PED/steroid scandal coming in the NBA then we will get off scott-free.  I don’t think our trainers even give our players band-aids.  We have the only Christian Science medical staff.  Kevin Love’s “knuckle push-up” injury was healed through spooning and watching “Frozen” on repeat.

“Oh, your hands hurt?  LET IT GO…LET IT GOOOOOOOO!”

If Pek comes back, it would be nice to see him standing next to that other Transylvania bastard, Miroslav Raduljica, that we signed last week.  Miroslav!  What a name!  It sounds like the world’s worst condiment.

“Yeah, yeah…dry-ass bagels again.  Put some of that Miroslav on there. No, no…gimme the radish kind.”

Look at how much more scary a full beard makes an Eastern-European:


Miroslav before: “Hi guys, did you watch ‘Glee’ last night?”

"I smile because I've eaten three kneecaps today."

Miroslav after: “I smile because I’ve eaten three kneecaps today.”

So tonight we play the Dallas Mavericks in Minneapolis.  I’m excited to see former Wolf JJ Barea again.  It’s like seeing an old girlfriend at the theater with their new boyfriend.  Except you’re not jealous, you just watch and chuckle as they run around with their new nightmare spilling Hawaii Punch on their Kanye West shirt and stealing the non-electric vacuum.  Enjoy the douchebag, Dallas!


52 is a magical number.

It’s how old Axl Rose is.

It’s the highway in Minnesota where that creepy refinery/supervillain hideout is.

It’s how many Chicken McNuggets it takes for me to overdose and barf in the bathtub.

It’s also how many points goddamn Mo Williams had last night for the Timberwolves.  A new franchise record AND the highest point total from anyone in the NBA this year.  I missed the game and thought it was a typo when I saw the box score.  52 points sounds more like the total score for the team or the number of turnovers Zach LaVine had.  Nope.  Mo Williams.  Baller.

What got into Mo?  I’m fairly certain he graduated with Axl Rose.  He shouldn’t be putting up career/franchise highs at this point.  The answer is easy: We suck and somebody’s got to score!

And boy did he score.  From everywhere.  Mo made shots from feet behind the three point line.  He threw hook shots from the fifth row.  He had a no-look from Lickety Split down the street in full bondage gear.  He even scored in the opponents baskets’, traveled back in time, knocked the balls out of the rim and then scored again in our hoop, just for the fuck of it.  “Fourth dimension, bitch,” Mo was heard whispering to C.J. Watson.

It also ended our 15 game losing streak.  What’s better?  Winning a few extra and saving our dignity or going full-tank and getting the #1 pick in the draft?  Personally, it doesn’t matter to me.  I’m having fun watching the young guys like Wiggins and Muhammad.  A Rookie Of The Year and a Slam Dunk Champion will make this year just fine with me.  I’m from Iowa.  I’m used to being irrelevant.

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix on Friday.  Can the Suns hold on to their status as perennial “good enoughs”?  Will Mo get 53?  Let’s ride this one-game winning streak baby!

Andrew Wiggins is putting on a hell of a show lately.  He’s been averaging over 20 ppg the last eight games on 50% shooting.  Even the dickweed that hates for writes the “NBA Rookie Ladder” for ESPN thinks he’s the Rookie Of The Year, finally.  Of course he is.  Everybody else is hurt.  Regardless, Wiggins is going to be a real superstar in the league and here are five reasons why:

1) The dude has an electric smile.  It looks like 500 puppies being each given a chew toy.  It’s seemingly incapable of doing harm to anybody.  I know a guy with a smile like that and he’s actually a humongous grifter.  It’s called a “courtesy smile/laugh” and it’s used to make people feel comfortable while you steal their french fries.  But the point is in the marketing.  Superstars are good at making hoops AND money.  Toothpaste, soda, gum, chocolate bugs, Viagra, anything you can put in your mouth he can sell the shit out of!

Nobody can really be this happy.

Nobody can really be this happy in a suit.

2) Canada.  He’s like the Yao Ming of Canada.  Yeah, there have been some good Canuck players before like Steve Nash and Neil Young, but none of them could jump over a basketball hoop. (Neil’s harmonica always got in the way.)  The entire Great North Country is going to go nuts for Wiggins with their wallets full of loonies, toonies and whale blubber. And don’t you think about poaching him, Toronto!  You just back off!  You already have Drake!

3) Kobe Bryant recently said that looking at Wiggins is “like looking at a reflection of myself 19 years ago.”  I said that to somebody once, but it was at AA.  Wasn’t received as well.

4) There is a precedence for superstardom in Minnesota.  Kevin Garnett played 12 years with us.  He didn’t become a superstar in Boston.  If anything, he was a year or two past his prime by then.  I believe that Wiggins has the athletic ability and charisma to return us to the magnificent days of losing every year in the first round of the playoffs.  WE CAN DO THIS!

5) Oh and THIS:

Next up the Wolves play the Bucks Friday night in Milwaukee.  Jabari Parker is ranked #6 on the NBA Rookie Ladder, even though he’s out for the season.  Maybe if he hiccups from traction in the hospital, that biased-ass writer will bump him up to #2 again?  Excitement!

The Atlanta Hawks are for sale.  And as you would expect, the Seattle Supersonics are the #1 contender to steal them away.  Granted, it’s possible that someone could buy the Hawks and choose to keep them in Atlanta.  But that person would be really stupid, because the Atlanta Hawks have three fans, two of which may be vendors.  They had one of the greatest offensive threats of all time in Dominique Wilkins and the town paid more attention to the Atlanta Center For Puppetry Arts.

But Seattle isn’t the only defunct NBA team waiting around to grab a spot again.  Here’s a handful of real former teams that could possibly throw their hat in the ring and steal the Supersonics’ Thunder:

The Waterloo Hawks (Waterloo, IA) – The Waterloo Hawks were an NBA team from 1949 to 1950.  So there’s not a ton of history there.  Waterloo isn’t even the biggest town in Iowa, much less one that people go to on purpose.  The most famous fact about Waterloo is that John Wayne Gacy lived there for a spell.  However, the serendipity of the Hawks turning into the Hawks is kind of convenient.  And it’s not like they’ll have less fans than Atlanta did.

Pittsburgh Ironmen (Pittsburgh, PA) – I like the machismo of “Ironmen”.  The town already has a football team called the Steelers, so all they’d need is a soccer team named the “AluminuMEN” to complete the super manly trifecta.  Who let those damn pussy Penguins in anyway?!

Sheboygan Red Skins (Sheboygan, WI) – Abort!  Abort!

Providence Steamrollers (Providence, RI) – I would be fine with the smallest state in the Union having a team, but only if their players were all 5’7″ or shorter.  Plus, short players always have hilariously great names like Spud Webb, Mugsy Bogues and Earl Boynkins.  So let’s make some stars out of people named Dimples Tinytoons and Shrimp McShrimp Jr.

St. Louis Bombers (St. Louis, MO) – St. Louis has gotten some bad press lately, but it’s a BBQ town and I would eat a basketball if it were covered in BBQ sauce.  If I were a congressman, that’s all I would take for bribes.  Get that town a team!


Congressman Mike Brody was arrested today after receiving 25 jugs of BBQ sauce as a bribe.  Brody says he regrets nothing and plans on eating his way out of prison with more BBQ sauce. Photo from

Tonight we play the Utah Jazz at home.  The Jazz suck and they have twice as many wins as us, but their coach makes faces like Slimer from “Ghostbusters”, so tune in!