The Atlanta Hawks are for sale. And as you would expect, the Seattle Supersonics are the #1 contender to steal them away. Granted, it’s possible that someone could buy the Hawks and choose to keep them in Atlanta. But that person would be really stupid, because the Atlanta Hawks have three fans, two of which may be vendors. They had one of the greatest offensive threats of all time in Dominique Wilkins and the town paid more attention to the Atlanta Center For Puppetry Arts.
But Seattle isn’t the only defunct NBA team waiting around to grab a spot again. Here’s a handful of real former teams that could possibly throw their hat in the ring and steal the Supersonics’ Thunder:
The Waterloo Hawks (Waterloo, IA) – The Waterloo Hawks were an NBA team from 1949 to 1950. So there’s not a ton of history there. Waterloo isn’t even the biggest town in Iowa, much less one that people go to on purpose. The most famous fact about Waterloo is that John Wayne Gacy lived there for a spell. However, the serendipity of the Hawks turning into the Hawks is kind of convenient. And it’s not like they’ll have less fans than Atlanta did.
Pittsburgh Ironmen (Pittsburgh, PA) – I like the machismo of “Ironmen”. The town already has a football team called the Steelers, so all they’d need is a soccer team named the “AluminuMEN” to complete the super manly trifecta. Who let those damn pussy Penguins in anyway?!
Sheboygan Red Skins (Sheboygan, WI) – Abort! Abort!
Providence Steamrollers (Providence, RI) – I would be fine with the smallest state in the Union having a team, but only if their players were all 5’7″ or shorter. Plus, short players always have hilariously great names like Spud Webb, Mugsy Bogues and Earl Boynkins. So let’s make some stars out of people named Dimples Tinytoons and Shrimp McShrimp Jr.
St. Louis Bombers (St. Louis, MO) – St. Louis has gotten some bad press lately, but it’s a BBQ town and I would eat a basketball if it were covered in BBQ sauce. If I were a congressman, that’s all I would take for bribes. Get that town a team!
Tonight we play the Utah Jazz at home. The Jazz suck and they have twice as many wins as us, but their coach makes faces like Slimer from “Ghostbusters”, so tune in!