Great Sprewell’s spinning rims! The Minnesota Timberwolves are healthy! We haven’t been injury-free since Troy Hudson’s first rap album. I don’t know what this feeling is. For the last umpteenth years we’ve been able to blame everything on injuries. Lost a game? Ricky hurt his ankle. Didn’t make the playoffs? Kevin Love broke his hand. Didn’t find a parking spot at the Target Center? Oliver Miller wrecked himself pooping.
But now we’re uninjured. And the irony is it’s probably going to hurt us. I’m convinced that we are a slightly below .500 team when healthy. However, there is a person named Jahlil Okafor that we want and we need loser-loser lottery ping-pong balls to get him. What to do? How do we tank without looking blatantly sad and lonely like Philadelphia?
I have a few secretly sad and lonely ideas:
1) Play Zach LaVine a bunch – Zach LaVine is the “Beats By Dre” of basketball. He looks good, but when you hit play it’s just a bunch of expensive rattling. LaVine holds onto the ball about as well as a newborn golden retriever with a wet bar of soap. Statistics have shown that we’d play better with a makeup-less, pantless Gene Simmons than Zach LaVine. We get points for building hype/fanbase with Zach’s crazy jumping and get one ping-pong ball closer to a number one pick that’s not from Canada. Win-win. And by that I mean losing.
2) Drug Flip Saunders on the bench – Not like a ton. I don’t want any accidental overdoses here. But look at Flip’s eyes. You can’t tell me he doesn’t eat a brick of weed at least twice a week. Put some salvia in his Gatorade cup. That stuff’s supposed to make you go bat-shit for five minutes at a time. Perfect! Just enough to mess up a few plays here and there and spoil the game. Maybe we’ll even get some bonus video of a half-there Flip pawing at Sam Mitchell’s face “Face-Off” style.
3) Falsely accuse owner Glen Taylor of being senile and imprison him in a 50s style insane asylum – Taylor will live out the rest of his days drooling, playing checkers with David Kahn and being forced to watch draft footage of him selecting Jonny Flynn over Steph Curry until the apocalypse comes. This actually won’t make our team any worse but I just think it’s something that he deserves.
Two games ago we played the best team in the league, Atlanta. Then we played the second best team, Golden State. Next we play the 1992 Dream Team, Pac-Man after eating his roid pills and Jesus. Go Wolves!