Supposedly, this was a really exciting All-Star Weekend. Apparently Steph Curry made 13 straight shots to win the Three Point Contest. I guess Andrew Wiggins got MVP in the Rising Stars Challenge. Rumor has it that Russell Westbrook stopped dressing like Urkel for long enough to win the All-Star Game MVP on 41 points. I wouldn’t know, because my brain has been melted into anesthesia because of this:
Holy Mary Mother of Jordan, did you see that? There are coked-up kangaroos that can’t jump that high. They need to check those shoes for illegal Flubber! How can a human do this? I can’t even tie my shoes without grunting and peeing a tiny bit. The only way he’ll be able to top this next year is if he does 30 cartwheels in a row while on fire.
And he wasn’t even done yet. He had three more mind-benders:
Admit it, you haven’t cared about the Slam Dunk Contest in years. They’ve paraded out a long line of lame rookies and future D-Leaguers. I think they let Paul McCartney do it in 2010. When a star does do it, it’s only because they got paid $1,000,000 to jump over a Kia hood or wink and eat a Johnsonville Brat off the backboard. Weak, weak, weak.
But Zach LaVine changed all that faster than Allen Iverson can ruin a bowling night. He didn’t use any props and he didn’t yell “State Farm!” midair. He just used good, old-fashioned, unearthly hops. And a star was born. Now, as Timberwolves fans, we aren’t going to tell anybody that at this point LaVine doesn’t know how to pass or hold onto the ball or understand plays. That’s our little secret. Right now the league’s fans think that between Wiggins and LaVine we have the next Durant/Westbrook. Bless their souls. Join the bandwagon, people! Trust me, there’s lots of room!
Next up the Wolves play the perennially 9th seeded Suns in Phoenix on Friday. The trade deadline is the same day. Will Goran Dragic even be around by then? Will the Timberwolves trade for the Papa Smurf version of Kevin Garnett? Will Zach LaVine try and wear his Space Jam jersey every game from now on? Tune in and see. Go Wolves!