The difference between two games can be startling. One minute you’re hopelessly falling into Kurt Rambis 2.0 Land and the next you’re beating a Eastern Conference contender on the road and dreaming of 80-2. Damnit Wolves, you’re never boring.
After Thursday’s game, I was in a depression spiral about our team. I could never be an NBA coach. I couldn’t even coach third graders shooting at a Nerf hoop. But I think I could be a better coach than Sam Mitchell.
How in the hell do you play Karl-Anthony Towns for only 22 minutes? And Ricky Rubio for 24? It’s like we’re driving this fancy SUV to dinner and 1/4 of the way there we go “Fuck it, let’s take the unicycle. No, no, let the drunk guy steer.”
It must be hard being an NBA coach, having idiots like me telling you how to do your occupation. It’s a high-pressure, high-blame job and he got thrust into it out of necessity because of Flip’s passing. BUT WHAT THE HELL, SAM?! You don’t start someone if they’re old enough to have starred in Space Jam, okay? I’ll give you a pass on KG because he’s the heart and soul of the team but the only thing Tayshaun Prince should be starting is his AARP subscription.
I wasn’t expecting a championship this year, or even making the playoffs. But I expected to watch entertaining basketball where we got to see our young studs earn their chops in the fire. Instead, we got mind-boggling rotations that seem to be picked by a drunk parakeet pecking at pictures taped to a wall.
I began to feel that familiar feeling of “we’re totally fucked and we’re going to have to sit through another long season of Kevin Martin holding onto the ball longer than it takes to charge a cellphone and Zach LaVine exhibiting the control of a methed-out Roller Girl.”
Then Saturday happened AND WE ARE THE GREATEST!
Karl-Anthony Towns is the next Tim Duncan/Karl Malone/Shaq/Jordan/Jesus! Wiggins is literally made of superpowered maple leaves from Hell! Zach LaVine is exactly the same!
And get this: Ol’ Black Hole Chicken Wing Shot Kevin Martin misses a game and suddenly everybody gets the ball. Unfortunately, he was out because of personal reasons involving his family. That’s sad and I don’t like that, but I do think we can find a way to make him miss more games without personal tragedy or getting hurt. I understand Martin is very polite. I suggest we start inviting him to every birthday party, going away party and bris we can think of. Tell him Pooh Richardson invited him to Burning Man, Crunch is getting married, Milt Newton is building a Kevin Martin shrine in Madagascar and he has to cut the ribbon. I think if we do this right we can make him miss at least 75 out of the next 77 games.
Next up we play the 7-1 Hawks in Atlanta. We’re 3-0 on the road but this is going to be a rough one. Hopefully Dominique Wilkins will punch a guy again for non-payment on a suit and it’ll throw them off.